Saturday, March 26, 2011

Pros of Pageants

Since I usually poke fun at pageants, I thought for a change of pace I'd try to see things from the other point of view. You know, the side that would rather spend money on pageant dresses and butt glue than pay the utility bill. So, with no further ado here are the positive aspects of pageants.

You don't have to worry about buying any d├ęcor for your walls, because you can cover them with sashes, tiaras and trophies. Plus, depending on where you place the trophies, they can work as an anti-burglar system. Any burglar who comes in through the window will get impaled on a trophy. Seriously, have you seen those things? Some of them are five feet high.

Preparation for high school. If you want your daughter to be the school prima donna, I can think of no better training ground than a childhood full of teaching her that the most important thing is to be pretty and that the world revolves around her. Who doesn't want to raise a vapid, self-absorbed girl?

Skills that you can use in the real world. Being able to keep a plastic grin on your face is a job skill many employers look for. Of course, there would be fierce competition from robots. As I've said, fire batons help with a future career in arson or ninjadry. Yes, I made that up. I've even heard that beauty pageants can set you up for a future in politics.

You'd know an awful lot about disguises, which could be useful if you were a spy, an assassin, or a fugitive. When you see the before and after shots, you wouldn't recognize the girls.

By focusing on being better than everyone else, all the empathy you possess will disappear. You are then perfectly able to work in the DMV, where you will take pity on no one.

When you are unable to enter pageants any longer (notice I didn't say too old or unattractive) you can pass your skills onto the next generation as a pageant coach, and even make a living. Or you can use your knowledge for evil and push your daughter into pageants.

If there were no beauty pageants, a whole section of the economy would collapse. What would the manufacturers of sequins and rhinestones do? Pageants consume 94% of the worlds rhinestone production.

When everyone gives you anything you want and panders to your every whim, you would be perfectly comfortable as a dictator of a small country. It usually ends badly, but I say enjoy the ride while you can.

TLC would have to go back to learning programs without pageants to tape. Okay, that probably wouldn't happen, since there seems to be no end of supersized families, people with freaky addictions, and people living in their own filth that don't mind being on tv.

Without pageants, I would not have as many ideas for blog posts. Some of my wittiest remarks have been about pageants.

Competition is good for the soul, or so I've heard.

Contestants are more likely to get spray tans than fake and bake, which is probably the best change in the pageant industry, at least as far as skin cancer is concerned.

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