Sunday, September 15, 2013

Miss America 2014 Already?

First of all, didn’t we just do this a few months ago?

Secondly, after the extremely weird shoe parade I have decided Miss Kansas gets my vote, for rocking her uniform and combat boots when all the other girls were wearing heels (and weird ugly heels at that). Also, it’s rotten she didn’t get to do archery as her talent. That would have been the best talent ever! The best part of Miss Kansas was that she was herself through the whole pageant, tattoos and all. Probably has something to do with being in the military.

As usual, most of the introductory statements were stupid. Except Miss DC who joked about listening to phone calls and Miss South Carolina who cracked a mobile home joke. At least Miss Utah didn’t mention the Osmonds or our high birth rate, again.

So here we are back in Atlantic City, which is where the pageant always was when I was a kid. So why is it airing so late at night if it’s back on Eastern Time? My kid isn’t going to get to bed until after 10:00!

And how awesome is it that the current Miss America posts pictures on SnapChat of her without makeup and is upfront about the fact that she has gained weight while traveling and that she is no longer following the crazy pageant diet.

It is nuts that Miss Florida is still competing after tearing her ACL during practice while twirling batons. So unfair they don’t let them do fire batons. If she wins I bet she ends up needing surgery. And only 11 girls in Alaska competed for Miss Alaska, and they all got at least one year of school paid for. So that’s pretty cool.

Miss Marylands evening gown was my favorite. It was white and sparkly and had a train and covered the essentials! And the sexy Belle gown, it was a fail. Belle would never wear that. Sorry Miss New York, I hated your gown.

I don’t get wearing a midriff baring shirt with a fancy skirt for talent, it was too distracting. If the top had been two inches longer we would have paid more attention to your singing and less to your belly. In fact, it was so distracting I forgot which contestant it was!

My favorite part of the pageant is how Miss New York is never paying attention when her name gets called and is always genuinely surprised that she is moving on. She did a traditional Indian dance for her talent, and it was definitely our favorite talent of the night. So fun to watch.

Miss Kansas is a butt kicking beauty queen. She had to switch talents five weeks before the pageant because they have a rule about projectiles (she was going to do archery). So she learned an opera song from You Tube. I wanted her to win and was really bummed when she didn’t move on.

I’d rather watch Irish Dancing than clogging any day of the week.

Miss Texas sang jazz, which was a refreshing change from show tunes.

Miss Florida twirled 3 batons on a torn ACL. Loved the bedazzled knee brace, and she made it to 3rd runner up. $15,000 in scholarship money isn’t too bad.

My favorite answer to a question was Miss Minnesota, who took a stand on marriage that probably isn’t popular, and may have cost her the crown, but she owned it.

There is no way the questions were evenly matched, as a question about Miley Cyrus twerking is in no way equal to questions on Syria or income disparity among minorities. And poor Miss Florida ran out of time trying to answer her question.

The worst outfit choice of the entire pageant was Miss America 2013’s final gown. It looked like a dress that an Egyptian Pharoah would wear, and the cut out in the front made her boobs looked squished, and the bare midriff was not only distracting it called attention to her waist in an unflattering way. Maybe the fact that she’s getting gypped in her reign by only being Miss America for a few months made her not care about her outfit.

When it got down to the final two contestants I decided I wanted Miss New York to win. Even though her evening gown was the worst out of the contestants, her talent was fabulous. Plus I was hoping she wouldn’t realize her name got called and that would be funny.

It turns out that for me to be at my snarky finest I need an actual keyboard (not my ipad keyboard) and some snarky friends. Unfortunately my pageant peeps were unable to come over tonight, so it was just me and Brent, and we tried to keep the snark in check because we were watching with our 8-year-old daughter, being careful to point out the ridiculousness of a fitness portion of the pageant which was really just about how you looked in your swimsuit. And it is a fine line to walk because while I love watching pageants, I do not want my kid to ever be in one.