Saturday, June 4, 2011

To Catch a Woman

Because I wrote a post about catching a man, it's only fair that I write one on how to catch a woman.

Bathe frequently. Use deodorant. Daily. Wear clean clothes and do your laundry frequently.

Have a job.

If you have a car, try to keep the interior relatively clean.

Never compare anything your girlfriend/wife/fiancée does to how your mom doesn't it. You will pretty much guarantee yourself that you will never get whatever it was again.

Shave your face. If you must have a mustache or beard, fine, but if it is scruffy and makes you look unkempt, you aren't helping yourself out.

Do not make remarks about how many pairs of shoes she owns. We don't think that's funny.

Remember anniversaries, birthdays, and especially Valentines Day.

If you are on a date, put the blackberry away. Unless you are a doctor or a special ops guy who could be called away on a secret mission at any time, you can go for a couple of hours without checking in. And if you can't, do it in the bathroom.

If your girlfriends eyes start to glaze over while you are blathering on about something, consider changing the conversation and talking about something else.

Spending a lot of money on a girl who really isn't that into you isn't going to make her like you more. In fact, she will think you are a sucker.

If you can't afford lobster, then don't take her to an expensive lobster serving restaurant. It's really okay to stay within your budget. In the long run, most girls are not going to be impressed without your massive visa bill that you racked up trying to impress her, or worse, previous girlfriends.

Just keep your piehole shut about her mother, and don't say rude things about her cooking. If it is awful, be tactful. Saying "this meal tastes like dog crap" is going to hurt her feelings, and make her wonder why you tasted dog crap in the past.

Most chicks don't consider crackers and cheese in a can as fulfilling meal. And ditto for chili cheese dogs.

If you make her watch sports, be prepared to spend time holding her purse in the mall while she shops for more shoes.

If a girl asks you if something makes her look fat, do not give an honest answer, whatever you do.

If you aren't ready for a longtime relationship or a marriage commitment, don't string some poor girl along. At least tell her you aren't into her.

Go ahead and open doors for her. If you occasionally forget, it's not that big of a deal. And when we open our own doors, don't make a big deal out of it.

Try to remember to put the seat down.

Floss. Really.

In the long run, having a hobby other than video games is a plus.

Don't wear white socks with dress pants. Just don't. If you aren't sure of what clothes to buy, ask the salesperson, if you don't have a sister to take you shopping.

Girls like a man who can cook.

Be prepared to pay for dates, but don't make a stink out of it if she insists on buying or paying half.

Remember that looks fade, but stupid is forever.

If she doesn't like football/sci fi/fishing now, odds aren't good that she will like them any more after you're married.

When a woman is telling you about her problems, she doesn't always want you to fix them. If you want to solve the problem, ask her if she wants a solution before you offer it.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Adventures in BBQing 1

Finally summer is here! Sort of. It's still raining, hailing, and occasionally snowing. But in theory, summer is here and it is time to break out the bbq and have some tasty food! Yes, technically I have a gas grill. So we're not really bbq-ing, we're grilling, but here in Utah we really don't care about terminology. And, to be fair, a lot of times we don't really care about taste, just quantity. And if you've been to some of our ward summer parties, you know what I'm talking about. Tons of over-cooked, under-seasoned hamburger patties, charred hot dogs, and various salads that may or may not have been sitting in the sun too long. Unless you go to my dads wards summer party. They have the best chicken, Nauulu (nah-ooh-loo) chicken. The last name of the family who makes it is Naulu. They are from Samoa. Mmm boy howdy is it good. How good? So good I will put the recipe right here. To make it hotter, add more peppers. They makes tons of marinade, 5 gallon buckets full, and my mouth is watering just thinking about that chicken.

Naulu Chicken:

Chicken breasts

Equal parts sugar, soy sauce and water

To taste:

Fresh ginger, grated

Garlic clove, chopped

Dash of sesame oil


Marinate chicken in sauce for several hours.


I try to be good at grilling, but honestly, it's not my forte. However, due to the amount of time I spend watching Foot Network, I persist in my quest to make something that is truly excellent on my grill. Tonight I am trying BBQed chicken. I have made actual, tasty, not overcooked or raw chicken before. Just not recently. In fact, we often eat burnt offering for dinner. But I have good feelings about tonight! For one, I am cooking slowly on low heat, and two, I am timing the chicken, and three, I am not putting any sauce on it until the chicken is cooked. So we'll see. I'm also trying (sort of) a recipe Grilled Yukon Potatoes that I found on Food I say sort of, because I didn't have any fresh thyme, so I used dried Rosemary. We'll see how that goes. I have also printed off recipes for bacon wrapped asparagus, and grilled pizza. We'll see how our Adventures In BBqing goes.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Worst Advice Ever Given

The worst book I have ever read in my life is Helen Andelin's "Facinating Girl." To be fair, I haven't read "Fascinating Woman", for tips on keeping your man happy once you catch him, or her books on parenting. Frankly, after reading the drivel/crap that filled "Fascinating Girl", I'm a little frightened about reading Andelin's parenting advice.

I read this book because a friend told me about it. She says that sometimes she and her husband pick up the book, read a random passage, and laugh and make fun of it. I had to see if it was truly as bad as she said. It was worse. The truly shocking thing about this book is that it has been reprinted several times, including the last few years. This was written in the 60's, during the time women were beginning to burn their bras and realized there was more to life than cooking, cleaning, and handing hubby slippers and newspaper when he gets home from work. Andelin's writing sets women's lib back at least a century, if not longer.

She recommends that women don't try to excel in subjects that are considered male oriented, such as math or science. She warns her readers against competing with men for academic honors, or attempting to get jobs in fields that have traditionally been dominated by men. No man, she warns, wants a wife who is smarter than him. It would be okay with Andelin to get a job working as a secretary for a man working in certain fields, but she would be expected to quit her job as soon as she was married. And if by some reason a marriage failed, or the husband died, Andelin suggests finding work in a womanly way. Since education, other than domestic arts, isn't recommended by Andelin, it is assumed that women in this situation will end up becoming cleaning ladies or day care providers. She certainly wouldn't believe in having a career/degree to fall back on.

One of the absolute worst suggestions she gives is on how to act when you are angry. She actually suggests that women act like little girls, pouting, stomping, and threatening to tell his mother. If I tried that on my husband, he'd either bust up laughing or get even madder. She also suggests women dress like little girls, using hair bows, ribbons, and lace.

Andelin repeatedly refers to Dora from "David Copperfield" as the ideal fascinating girl. If you can get past that Dora is a fictional character, and the fact that she has no skills, other than playing with her doggie and looking pretty, I still don't see how Dora could possibly be a role model for anyone. She's no Elizabeth Bennet, that's for sure.

If a woman wants to be a doormat to a man, have him make all the decisions, disregard her feelings and become a second class citizen, then by all means she should follow the advice in this book. If, however, she wants to be an equal partner with her husband, sharing decisions, finances, chores, child care, and respect, then she should do the opposite of what the book says.