Monday, January 24, 2011

Thoughts on Miss America

Miss America has no political power. She doesn't really get to do anything, other than sing the national anthem at baseball games, go to Disneyland and do charity work. Good thing there's scholarship money, or it would be a total rip.

If you are competing in a high profile pageant, it would be a really good idea to really think your talent through. Maybe singing "Papa Was a Rolling Stone" isn't the best choice for the competition, even if you are an alto.

The chick who sings opera almost always wins.

No one wants to know if you've eaten termites.

Posture is important. The viewers at home notice when you are hunched over.

Ask some people who don't know you what they think of your evening wear choice. They can be honest and tell you the truth, keeping you from looking stupid on national tv.

Even if she wears a bikini, poor Miss Utah isn't going to make it past the swimsuit round.

Apparently the answer to the final question really isn't that important, since no one really answers the questions anyway.

Do they let the contestants write their own statements to introduce themselves and their states? If so, does anyone double check the facts? Like the fact that the Boston Tea Party wasn't really about tea, but taxation without representation? And why does Miss Utah always have to mention polygamy or the birth rate?

Miss North Dakota had the best statement: from the state that gives you gas. I wanted her to win just for that.

Watch for panty lines. I'm just saying.

It would still be nice to see the contestants do either the Wipeout course or an American Gladiator course to prove physical fitness. Looking good in a swimsuit just doesn't do that. It just shows that you look good in a swim suit. Try to pick a suit that doesn't make your butt look big.

Practice walking in heels a lot. You don't want to be the contestant who trips.

If you didn't have enough time to get dressed backstage, forget the earrings. They just distract the viewers anyway.

The home viewers do not want to see the contestants rushing out of the dressing room in their evening gowns. That ruins the surprise when they walk out on stage. It takes out both the wow factor and the what the heck was she thinking factor.

No one believes that you are all the greatest of friends and you'd be happy for whoever won. Admit it, you are steamed you didn't make the final 10.

Doesn't matter who the host is, the dialogue stinks.

If your dress looks like you made it out of Jiffy Pop, think twice.

It seems like the girls should get to wear flip flops with their swimsuits. Who is going to wear high heels to the beach?

Huge earrings are a distraction, especially when one of them is missing.

Apparently there is a civil rights movement involving beauty queens and the rest of the world. I wonder if it's led by Sarah Palin?

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