Miss America 2014 Already?

First of all, didn’t we just do this a few months ago?

Secondly, after the extremely weird shoe parade I have decided Miss Kansas gets my vote, for rocking her uniform and combat boots when all the other girls were wearing heels (and weird ugly heels at that). Also, it’s rotten she didn’t get to do archery as her talent. That would have been the best talent ever! The best part of Miss Kansas was that she was herself through the whole pageant, tattoos and all. Probably has something to do with being in the military.

As usual, most of the introductory statements were stupid. Except Miss DC who joked about listening to phone calls and Miss South Carolina who cracked a mobile home joke. At least Miss Utah didn’t mention the Osmonds or our high birth rate, again.

So here we are back in Atlantic City, which is where the pageant always was when I was a kid. So why is it airing so late at night if it’s back on Eastern Time? My kid isn’t going to get to bed until after 10:00!

And how awesome is it that the current Miss America posts pictures on SnapChat of her without makeup and is upfront about the fact that she has gained weight while traveling and that she is no longer following the crazy pageant diet.

It is nuts that Miss Florida is still competing after tearing her ACL during practice while twirling batons. So unfair they don’t let them do fire batons. If she wins I bet she ends up needing surgery. And only 11 girls in Alaska competed for Miss Alaska, and they all got at least one year of school paid for. So that’s pretty cool.

Miss Marylands evening gown was my favorite. It was white and sparkly and had a train and covered the essentials! And the sexy Belle gown, it was a fail. Belle would never wear that. Sorry Miss New York, I hated your gown.

I don’t get wearing a midriff baring shirt with a fancy skirt for talent, it was too distracting. If the top had been two inches longer we would have paid more attention to your singing and less to your belly. In fact, it was so distracting I forgot which contestant it was!

My favorite part of the pageant is how Miss New York is never paying attention when her name gets called and is always genuinely surprised that she is moving on. She did a traditional Indian dance for her talent, and it was definitely our favorite talent of the night. So fun to watch.

Miss Kansas is a butt kicking beauty queen. She had to switch talents five weeks before the pageant because they have a rule about projectiles (she was going to do archery). So she learned an opera song from You Tube. I wanted her to win and was really bummed when she didn’t move on.

I’d rather watch Irish Dancing than clogging any day of the week.

Miss Texas sang jazz, which was a refreshing change from show tunes.

Miss Florida twirled 3 batons on a torn ACL. Loved the bedazzled knee brace, and she made it to 3rd runner up. $15,000 in scholarship money isn’t too bad.

My favorite answer to a question was Miss Minnesota, who took a stand on marriage that probably isn’t popular, and may have cost her the crown, but she owned it.

There is no way the questions were evenly matched, as a question about Miley Cyrus twerking is in no way equal to questions on Syria or income disparity among minorities. And poor Miss Florida ran out of time trying to answer her question.

The worst outfit choice of the entire pageant was Miss America 2013’s final gown. It looked like a dress that an Egyptian Pharoah would wear, and the cut out in the front made her boobs looked squished, and the bare midriff was not only distracting it called attention to her waist in an unflattering way. Maybe the fact that she’s getting gypped in her reign by only being Miss America for a few months made her not care about her outfit.

When it got down to the final two contestants I decided I wanted Miss New York to win. Even though her evening gown was the worst out of the contestants, her talent was fabulous. Plus I was hoping she wouldn’t realize her name got called and that would be funny.

It turns out that for me to be at my snarky finest I need an actual keyboard (not my ipad keyboard) and some snarky friends. Unfortunately my pageant peeps were unable to come over tonight, so it was just me and Brent, and we tried to keep the snark in check because we were watching with our 8-year-old daughter, being careful to point out the ridiculousness of a fitness portion of the pageant which was really just about how you looked in your swimsuit. And it is a fine line to walk because while I love watching pageants, I do not want my kid to ever be in one.

Another Hometown Pageant

Ah, yet another local beauty pageant..er scholarship pageant. This one is for the town, and I use the word loosely, right next to the one I live in. This one promises to be just as good as the last one. Last time the scores I came up with matched the judges choices dead-on, so I am curious to see if I can pick the winners again. Plus, there's nothing quite like watching girls teetering around in high heels, wearing questionable evening gowns and attempting to sound intelligent when asked a stupid question. I certainly hope tonight/s questions are better than the last pageant, which I will refer to as Miss P. If they ask questions based on the contestants talents or interests, I might hurl. For example, a crappy question is "do you like yellow?" A good question, and I'd love to see a beauty queen answer it, is "should the world rejoice now that Bin Laden is dead?" But since this is a small town, I doubt there will be any political or current event questions.

I was really expecting the opening number to be Black-Eyed Peas, because almost every pageant I've seen lately, including Miss America, has used "Tonight's Going to Be A Big Night" as their opening number. Not so tonight. The opening number was seven girls dancing (and I use that word loosely as one of them was just kind of moving a little bit and smiling) to Liza Minelli singing "New York, New York." The girls were all dressed in black dresses, and one girl had a dress covered in sequins, which pulled attention from the other girls. They had fluorescent sashes around their waists, and six of them had matching fluorescent hats. A word of advice for future contestants—if you can't dance, stand in the back or fake a sprain.

The cheesiest part was when Miss S 2010 came out wearing a feather boa and joined the contestants for the dance number. It wasn't executed well.

Before the pageant started we all stood for the "Star-Spangled Banner". Our poor national anthem has been mangled so many times, and sadly tonight was no exception. If there is a song that you should know the words to, it's the national anthem. Here's a hint: ramparts don't gleam, and they don't burst in air. To make matters worse, the woman sang the third verse to the song as well. As we know, no true American knows the words to the second and third verses, much less that there is more than one verse to the anthem. She forgot the words partway through the song, and we all stood there waiting for her to finish. Finally she looked in her book and with its help finally managed to make it through the song.

I was relieved that none of the contestants were performing White Water Chopsticks. That song is getting overdone on the pageant circuit.

The emcees had jokes from Laffy Taffy wrappers to fill dead space. Sadly, they used some of them. The best thing about the emcees was watching the crown sparkle on the beauty queen.

Eventually the technical crew managed to lower the screen and start the PowerPoint slide show of the contestants. Sadly, the accompanying song was "I Love Being a Girl." I have heard the song before, but I couldn't place it. Thanks to my Droid and Google, I learned it was from a Rodgers and Hammerstein show called "Flower Drum Song." This particular show got really bad reviews, and seems to be generally regarded as the pairs biggest flop. But that's off topic.

Finally we got to the talent competition. Contestant One, who was my personal pick to win the pageant, danced to "Ruby Blue". The dance was interesting, and kind of sounded like it should be in a burlesque show. Her outfit, which I liked, didn't match her dance. It was pink and sparkly, and really would have worked better for a tap dance routine. Her dance pants were very distracting, as they were white and it looked like her panties were showing. Still, I gave her the best score out of any of the contestants for talent.

Contestant Two also has a burlesque style dance, and wore a red flapper dress. Number Three appeared to get a second use out of her prom dress, and made a rather weird face when she came out. She was the only girl who didn't dance, and she played the piano instead. Her posture wasn't very great, and she tried to cover up her piano playing ability with fancy hand movements. Number Four had a bright pink sparkly short dress, and could do the splits, which was kind of cool. However, her song choice was dreadful, and the voice of the singer was kind of grating. Number Five's outfit looked like it came from an 80's workout video. She did a lot of one-handed cartwheels. Sadly, one-handed cartwheels aren't very impressive. She got my lowest score.

Number Six was probably the worst performer of the night. Bad song choice, bad costume choice, bad talent choice. She was a larger girl, and unfortunately her song had lots of loud parts where she stomped. Not only did the stomping call attention to the fact that she was big—thundering elephant herd came to mind—but she didn't quite do the stomping at the right moment. And the costume choice—a large oversized shirt over what appeared to be tights but were determined by us to be leggings—didn't do anything to help her out. Number Seven rounded out the performances with yet another dance, and was a nice break from all the burlesque-type numbers.

Why do these girls always insist on doing interpretive dance? No one enjoys watching interpretive dance. Why not just go with ballet, tap, or even clogging? Why mix them up? And a note for last year's winner—you really can't clog while wearing a flapper dress. They just don't seem to go together, even if you add in the Charleston.

Finally we got to the on-stage interview question. The girls came out on stage and were asked two questions by the current Miss S. They picked their own questions out of what appeared to be a poorly done copy of the goblet of fire. I was actually hoping some flames would jump out of it just to liven up the night. The contestants were asked a question regarding their service platform (which was nice because that part was missing from the program), and then an allegedly random question. I'm pretty certain the girls had seen the list of questions before hand, because quite a few of the answers seemed canned.

Contestant One's platform was driving while texting. She was against it. The second question was "What three places in our town would you tell visitors to go." Um, what? My husband Brent came up with a good answer "well, the traffic light is pretty neat, and the four-way stop is a must see, and of course you need to stop by Jenny's house." A tourist mecca this town ain't. Number Two was concerned about first aid, and planned to help children learn how to call 911 and also wanted to teach CPR. We were very surprised when her question turned out to be "What are the key issues facing our country in 2011?" She said something about the economy, I don't really remember her answer because I was looking at her bright red heels that didn't seem to go with the rest of her outfit.

Number Three was concerned with stranger danger, apparently because a stranger had approached her as a child. Her question was regarding the greatest gift we can give the next generation, and she answered self-worth. Better than world peace as an answer, I guess. Number Four's platform was childhood obesity. Her question was on how we can get others to help with the natural disasters going on. I personally thought she had the worst answer of the night, regarding that she should go and help and set a good example. Yes, I can just see a beauty queen in heels, tiara and sash filling sandbags or slogging through mud to rescue people or animals.

Number Five wanted to get the word on preventing teen suicide. Her question was "how she would like to be remembered if she won Miss S?" She said something about her personality and how she has grown as a person since the last few times "I ran". At least she didn't say "I run", but it still sounded wrong. Number Six was concerned with body image, not too much of a surprise since she was the larger contestant. She was asked what questions she would ask the President if she had the chance. She rambled a bit about campaign promises and while it didn't seem very coherent it showed she was at least somewhat aware of current events. Number Seven was concerned about kids finishing high school, and managed to work her platform into her answer of "how she defined at-risk youth". She didn't really show that she gave much thought to her answer.

While the girls changed into evening wear, we had to watch…er got to watch the local high school drill team perform. Overall they did a good job, although some of the girls timing was slightly off. Then we endured the emcee singing a song, half of which was in Italian. The person in front of me was trying to use VCast to help her identify the song. Um, that doesn't work on live performances, but it livened up the performance for me. Personally, I would rather see local talent perform and fill in the gaps during a pageant than watch someone who isn't even from the town. Why not have some local dance groups, or the high school choir perform? Or maybe last year's winners could each do a performance, instead of just one of them. I'm just saying.

Onto evening wear, my personal favorite part of the competition. Contestant One wore a long black dress with a sparkly belt and sparkly straps. Kind of plain for a pageant dress, but not a bad choice. She was chosen as Most Photogenic, and she had very good posture. Number Two was very a dress that just made you say "holy purple Batman!" The cut was a little mature, and the fabric looked a little costumey. While her smile seemed a little forced, her dress was tight enough to show she was in fabulous shape, as there was no way to hide anything. Number Three was wearing a red sparkly dress that appeared to be strapless, but when she turned around you could see that there was actually a strap over one shoulder. Her hair was down and covered the strap from the front. She was obviously not very comfortable on stage, because she made it across the stage and was off before the emcee's had a chance to finish her bio. Perhaps she wanted to get off the stage so no one would notice how bad her hair was.

Number Four, who ended up winning the pageant, was wearing a black and teal dress, which was sparkly and slit about as high as a slit should go. The shimmering of the dress took attention away from her bad hair choice, and was mesmerizing in it's own snakelike way. There must have been a special on one shouldered dresses, as Number Five was wearing a blue dress, with curving sparkles and a slit. Number Six was wearing what can only be described as a bad prom dress or bad bridesmaid dress. Strapless, red, and ruffles on the skirt. I was embarrassed for her. Number Seven wore the only dress with sleeves. The color can best be described as Pepto Pink. The music stopped during her walk around the stage, but it didn't seem to phase her. I had her down to win 2^nd Attendant, and I was wrong as she won 1^st. I had Contestant Two down to win 1^st, and she got second.

I thought Number One was going to win, and she didn't even place. Number Four won, and I had her down as ranking 5^th. Oh well. The audience seemed excited by it, although everyone started to leave before her crown was even pinned on her head.

When the former Miss S took her final walk, no one knew because there wasn't a light on her. My favorite part of the slide show was the picture of the back of the parade float, which made it look like a giant casket.

I forget the contestant this referred to, but her bio mentioned how flexible she was as she could walk on her hands, and that she was obsessed with Alice in Wonderland. All the things you could have listed, and she went with that.

I wish there had been more variety in the talent choices. Six dances, one piano solo, and that was it. No singing, no other instruments. Just once I'd like to see a contestant do a drum solo. She probably wouldn't win, but it would be memorable. I also wish the program had included more about the contestants, including who their parents are, what their platform is, and a little bit about them. Instead all we got was their names under their pageant photos.

More on pageants coming soon.

 

 

Thoughts on Miss America

Miss America has no political power. She doesn't really get to do anything, other than sing the national anthem at baseball games, go to Disneyland and do charity work. Good thing there's scholarship money, or it would be a total rip.

If you are competing in a high profile pageant, it would be a really good idea to really think your talent through. Maybe singing "Papa Was a Rolling Stone" isn't the best choice for the competition, even if you are an alto.

The chick who sings opera almost always wins.

No one wants to know if you've eaten termites.

Posture is important. The viewers at home notice when you are hunched over.

Ask some people who don't know you what they think of your evening wear choice. They can be honest and tell you the truth, keeping you from looking stupid on national tv.

Even if she wears a bikini, poor Miss Utah isn't going to make it past the swimsuit round.

Apparently the answer to the final question really isn't that important, since no one really answers the questions anyway.

Do they let the contestants write their own statements to introduce themselves and their states? If so, does anyone double check the facts? Like the fact that the Boston Tea Party wasn't really about tea, but taxation without representation? And why does Miss Utah always have to mention polygamy or the birth rate?

Miss North Dakota had the best statement: from the state that gives you gas. I wanted her to win just for that.

Watch for panty lines. I'm just saying.

It would still be nice to see the contestants do either the Wipeout course or an American Gladiator course to prove physical fitness. Looking good in a swimsuit just doesn't do that. It just shows that you look good in a swim suit. Try to pick a suit that doesn't make your butt look big.

Practice walking in heels a lot. You don't want to be the contestant who trips.

If you didn't have enough time to get dressed backstage, forget the earrings. They just distract the viewers anyway.

The home viewers do not want to see the contestants rushing out of the dressing room in their evening gowns. That ruins the surprise when they walk out on stage. It takes out both the wow factor and the what the heck was she thinking factor.

No one believes that you are all the greatest of friends and you'd be happy for whoever won. Admit it, you are steamed you didn't make the final 10.

Doesn't matter who the host is, the dialogue stinks.

If your dress looks like you made it out of Jiffy Pop, think twice.

It seems like the girls should get to wear flip flops with their swimsuits. Who is going to wear high heels to the beach?

Huge earrings are a distraction, especially when one of them is missing.

Apparently there is a civil rights movement involving beauty queens and the rest of the world. I wonder if it's led by Sarah Palin?

My Thoughts on Pageants

I confess, I like watching pageants. I have never competed in a pageant, never really wanted to compete in a pageant, and count myself lucky that my daughter has no desire to be in a pageant. But I find them interesting and amusing, and the whole point of the pageant is to be judged, and I do like to judge. This year I watched the Miss America pageant, as usual, but this time with friends and family instead of just Brent. And since we have a DVR we were able to back it up to see when someone stumbled or stepped on their dress, and to determine whether or not Miss Nebraska had a belly button. I still say she didn't.

I have attended two local pageants this year, and I can honestly say that a lot of the quality of the pageant has got to be due to a pageant director who keeps focused and keeps everyone on task. One went really well, the other was pretty much a train wreck. The train wreck was a lot more fun to watch, I might add.

Friends and family of girls who can’t sing should be horsewhipped for not preventing their friend from performing in a pageant when it is obvious they would make it into the joke footage of American Idol.

Worst rendition of Take A Chance On Me ever, including the one in the movie!She didn’t place, by the way.

The entertainment during the competition was fine, but what was the deal in dressing up little girls as hoochies/hookers? thigh highs and animal print?And booty shaking? Little girls don't have booties to shake.

And the older dance company that performed—hot pants are not flattering on everyone. Even pink hot pants. Especially pink hot pants. And there was more booty shaking.

One contestant did a martial arts demonstration with a bo staff. That was awesome. I really wanted her to win. She didn't.

I really wish that a pageant contestant would come out, plug in an electric guitar and play “Smoke On the Water”. That would be the coolest thing ever. Well, the coolest thing ever to happen at a pageant.

What happened to the Miss Congeniality award? Maybe none of the contestants were nice so they didn’t award one.

I would feel sorry for the girls having to parade around the stage in swim suits and high heels, except they knew what they were getting into.

You can tell you’re in Utah when every girl is wearing a one-piece bathing suit.

You can tell who doesn’t have a dance talent pretty easily.

If you wear a modest evening gown you probably won’t win.

If you don’t have a talent, don’t compete. If you can play an instrument, sing, dance, or do something awesome—that’s okay. In fact, the unusual talents are sometimes quite enjoyable. You probably won’t make it to Miss America, but your town will love you.

It’s wise to get judges from out of town to judge the pageant. Long evening gowns are in, and the sparklier the better. However, most likely your prom dress will not work as an evening gown. And just say no to the hoop skirt. And you might want to consider going commando, because you're going to get marked down for that panty line.

Giving the tech people a copy of your program is wise. Sticking to the program you came up with is also wise, unless you want a train wreck. I like a good train wreck.

If the microphones don't work, no one can hear you. Which, judging by some of the questions and answers, that might be a good thing. Especially if your answer involves Haiti and yammering on for more than a couple of minutes.

The most talented girl isn't always the one who wins. At one pageant I attended recently the first runner up presented a video of playing softball for her talent. I can just see her visiting a rest home, trying to throw the ball to the residents to hit. Doesn't really scream entertainment value to me.

I really tried to make sense of the judging criteria for the pageants, but I don't see how a swim suit competition shows physical fitness. If they really want to see who is physically fit they should make the contestants do an obstacle course or climb a rope. Or hit each other with the giant q-tips they had on American Gladiator, and last one standing is the winner.

At Miss America this year they let the contestants vote for one girl to make the final 15. I say throw a crown in the middle of a mud pile and see who gets a hold of it and they make it to the next round.