Another Hometown Pageant

Ah, yet another local beauty pageant..er scholarship pageant. This one is for the town, and I use the word loosely, right next to the one I live in. This one promises to be just as good as the last one. Last time the scores I came up with matched the judges choices dead-on, so I am curious to see if I can pick the winners again. Plus, there's nothing quite like watching girls teetering around in high heels, wearing questionable evening gowns and attempting to sound intelligent when asked a stupid question. I certainly hope tonight/s questions are better than the last pageant, which I will refer to as Miss P. If they ask questions based on the contestants talents or interests, I might hurl. For example, a crappy question is "do you like yellow?" A good question, and I'd love to see a beauty queen answer it, is "should the world rejoice now that Bin Laden is dead?" But since this is a small town, I doubt there will be any political or current event questions.

I was really expecting the opening number to be Black-Eyed Peas, because almost every pageant I've seen lately, including Miss America, has used "Tonight's Going to Be A Big Night" as their opening number. Not so tonight. The opening number was seven girls dancing (and I use that word loosely as one of them was just kind of moving a little bit and smiling) to Liza Minelli singing "New York, New York." The girls were all dressed in black dresses, and one girl had a dress covered in sequins, which pulled attention from the other girls. They had fluorescent sashes around their waists, and six of them had matching fluorescent hats. A word of advice for future contestants—if you can't dance, stand in the back or fake a sprain.

The cheesiest part was when Miss S 2010 came out wearing a feather boa and joined the contestants for the dance number. It wasn't executed well.

Before the pageant started we all stood for the "Star-Spangled Banner". Our poor national anthem has been mangled so many times, and sadly tonight was no exception. If there is a song that you should know the words to, it's the national anthem. Here's a hint: ramparts don't gleam, and they don't burst in air. To make matters worse, the woman sang the third verse to the song as well. As we know, no true American knows the words to the second and third verses, much less that there is more than one verse to the anthem. She forgot the words partway through the song, and we all stood there waiting for her to finish. Finally she looked in her book and with its help finally managed to make it through the song.

I was relieved that none of the contestants were performing White Water Chopsticks. That song is getting overdone on the pageant circuit.

The emcees had jokes from Laffy Taffy wrappers to fill dead space. Sadly, they used some of them. The best thing about the emcees was watching the crown sparkle on the beauty queen.

Eventually the technical crew managed to lower the screen and start the PowerPoint slide show of the contestants. Sadly, the accompanying song was "I Love Being a Girl." I have heard the song before, but I couldn't place it. Thanks to my Droid and Google, I learned it was from a Rodgers and Hammerstein show called "Flower Drum Song." This particular show got really bad reviews, and seems to be generally regarded as the pairs biggest flop. But that's off topic.

Finally we got to the talent competition. Contestant One, who was my personal pick to win the pageant, danced to "Ruby Blue". The dance was interesting, and kind of sounded like it should be in a burlesque show. Her outfit, which I liked, didn't match her dance. It was pink and sparkly, and really would have worked better for a tap dance routine. Her dance pants were very distracting, as they were white and it looked like her panties were showing. Still, I gave her the best score out of any of the contestants for talent.

Contestant Two also has a burlesque style dance, and wore a red flapper dress. Number Three appeared to get a second use out of her prom dress, and made a rather weird face when she came out. She was the only girl who didn't dance, and she played the piano instead. Her posture wasn't very great, and she tried to cover up her piano playing ability with fancy hand movements. Number Four had a bright pink sparkly short dress, and could do the splits, which was kind of cool. However, her song choice was dreadful, and the voice of the singer was kind of grating. Number Five's outfit looked like it came from an 80's workout video. She did a lot of one-handed cartwheels. Sadly, one-handed cartwheels aren't very impressive. She got my lowest score.

Number Six was probably the worst performer of the night. Bad song choice, bad costume choice, bad talent choice. She was a larger girl, and unfortunately her song had lots of loud parts where she stomped. Not only did the stomping call attention to the fact that she was big—thundering elephant herd came to mind—but she didn't quite do the stomping at the right moment. And the costume choice—a large oversized shirt over what appeared to be tights but were determined by us to be leggings—didn't do anything to help her out. Number Seven rounded out the performances with yet another dance, and was a nice break from all the burlesque-type numbers.

Why do these girls always insist on doing interpretive dance? No one enjoys watching interpretive dance. Why not just go with ballet, tap, or even clogging? Why mix them up? And a note for last year's winner—you really can't clog while wearing a flapper dress. They just don't seem to go together, even if you add in the Charleston.

Finally we got to the on-stage interview question. The girls came out on stage and were asked two questions by the current Miss S. They picked their own questions out of what appeared to be a poorly done copy of the goblet of fire. I was actually hoping some flames would jump out of it just to liven up the night. The contestants were asked a question regarding their service platform (which was nice because that part was missing from the program), and then an allegedly random question. I'm pretty certain the girls had seen the list of questions before hand, because quite a few of the answers seemed canned.

Contestant One's platform was driving while texting. She was against it. The second question was "What three places in our town would you tell visitors to go." Um, what? My husband Brent came up with a good answer "well, the traffic light is pretty neat, and the four-way stop is a must see, and of course you need to stop by Jenny's house." A tourist mecca this town ain't. Number Two was concerned about first aid, and planned to help children learn how to call 911 and also wanted to teach CPR. We were very surprised when her question turned out to be "What are the key issues facing our country in 2011?" She said something about the economy, I don't really remember her answer because I was looking at her bright red heels that didn't seem to go with the rest of her outfit.

Number Three was concerned with stranger danger, apparently because a stranger had approached her as a child. Her question was regarding the greatest gift we can give the next generation, and she answered self-worth. Better than world peace as an answer, I guess. Number Four's platform was childhood obesity. Her question was on how we can get others to help with the natural disasters going on. I personally thought she had the worst answer of the night, regarding that she should go and help and set a good example. Yes, I can just see a beauty queen in heels, tiara and sash filling sandbags or slogging through mud to rescue people or animals.

Number Five wanted to get the word on preventing teen suicide. Her question was "how she would like to be remembered if she won Miss S?" She said something about her personality and how she has grown as a person since the last few times "I ran". At least she didn't say "I run", but it still sounded wrong. Number Six was concerned with body image, not too much of a surprise since she was the larger contestant. She was asked what questions she would ask the President if she had the chance. She rambled a bit about campaign promises and while it didn't seem very coherent it showed she was at least somewhat aware of current events. Number Seven was concerned about kids finishing high school, and managed to work her platform into her answer of "how she defined at-risk youth". She didn't really show that she gave much thought to her answer.

While the girls changed into evening wear, we had to watch…er got to watch the local high school drill team perform. Overall they did a good job, although some of the girls timing was slightly off. Then we endured the emcee singing a song, half of which was in Italian. The person in front of me was trying to use VCast to help her identify the song. Um, that doesn't work on live performances, but it livened up the performance for me. Personally, I would rather see local talent perform and fill in the gaps during a pageant than watch someone who isn't even from the town. Why not have some local dance groups, or the high school choir perform? Or maybe last year's winners could each do a performance, instead of just one of them. I'm just saying.

Onto evening wear, my personal favorite part of the competition. Contestant One wore a long black dress with a sparkly belt and sparkly straps. Kind of plain for a pageant dress, but not a bad choice. She was chosen as Most Photogenic, and she had very good posture. Number Two was very a dress that just made you say "holy purple Batman!" The cut was a little mature, and the fabric looked a little costumey. While her smile seemed a little forced, her dress was tight enough to show she was in fabulous shape, as there was no way to hide anything. Number Three was wearing a red sparkly dress that appeared to be strapless, but when she turned around you could see that there was actually a strap over one shoulder. Her hair was down and covered the strap from the front. She was obviously not very comfortable on stage, because she made it across the stage and was off before the emcee's had a chance to finish her bio. Perhaps she wanted to get off the stage so no one would notice how bad her hair was.

Number Four, who ended up winning the pageant, was wearing a black and teal dress, which was sparkly and slit about as high as a slit should go. The shimmering of the dress took attention away from her bad hair choice, and was mesmerizing in it's own snakelike way. There must have been a special on one shouldered dresses, as Number Five was wearing a blue dress, with curving sparkles and a slit. Number Six was wearing what can only be described as a bad prom dress or bad bridesmaid dress. Strapless, red, and ruffles on the skirt. I was embarrassed for her. Number Seven wore the only dress with sleeves. The color can best be described as Pepto Pink. The music stopped during her walk around the stage, but it didn't seem to phase her. I had her down to win 2^nd Attendant, and I was wrong as she won 1^st. I had Contestant Two down to win 1^st, and she got second.

I thought Number One was going to win, and she didn't even place. Number Four won, and I had her down as ranking 5^th. Oh well. The audience seemed excited by it, although everyone started to leave before her crown was even pinned on her head.

When the former Miss S took her final walk, no one knew because there wasn't a light on her. My favorite part of the slide show was the picture of the back of the parade float, which made it look like a giant casket.

I forget the contestant this referred to, but her bio mentioned how flexible she was as she could walk on her hands, and that she was obsessed with Alice in Wonderland. All the things you could have listed, and she went with that.

I wish there had been more variety in the talent choices. Six dances, one piano solo, and that was it. No singing, no other instruments. Just once I'd like to see a contestant do a drum solo. She probably wouldn't win, but it would be memorable. I also wish the program had included more about the contestants, including who their parents are, what their platform is, and a little bit about them. Instead all we got was their names under their pageant photos.

More on pageants coming soon.

 

 

Things I’d Like To See, Pageant Edition

Talent:

Metallica. Can you imagine a sequin-clad girl singing "Enter Sandman"? That would be priceless.

Something on the xylaphone.

Drum solo.

Obscure show tunes, but not from The Wiz.

Tap dancing.

I've never actually seen someone do fire batons. They aren't allowed at Miss America, but I think the ability to toss a flaming baton around your head and not get burned is a practical skill, particularly if you become an arsonist or a ninja. And what pageant girl doesn't dream of becoming a ninja?

An opening number that isn't The Black Eyed Peas. Maybe a nice choreographed dance to some Creedence.

A contestant with a Mohawk.

 

Fitness:

Vintage bathing suits.

American Gladiator style obstacle course, with contestants battling it out with the giant q-tips. Last girl standing wins the round.

Proof of actual fitness, not just who looks good in a swim suit. How many pushups, pull-ups, and sit-ups can they do? Let's see that onstage.

Two words, cage match.

 

Interview:

Obscure questions taken from movies that the girls won't understand but some members of the audience will. Like "what is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?" If the contestant says "African or European" they get the points.

Or what about asking each girl the same question so the judges can compare answers.

Rorschach tests.

Finish the phrase a man walks into a bar.

 

New Categories:

Limericks. Each girl is given part of a limerick and they have to finish it on the spot.

WWDD, also known as What would Darth Vader do? Give the girls a hypothetical situation, or even a real world situation, and then they have to come up with how Darth Vader would deal with it.

A Jeopardy-like trivia section to test intellect.

Tonight’s Going To Be A Good Night

There is nothing quite like a local pageant. The one I went to tonight was no exception. I brought my own scoring sheet, and my picks were exactly the same as the judges. There were four components to the pageant—swimwear aka fitness and lifestyle, onstage interview, talent, and formal wear. I was surprised to see that there were only seven contestants, but it did make the night go faster.

Was a law passed that all pageants must open with The Black-Eyed Peas? If I never have to hear "Tonight's Going To Be A Good Night" again it will be too soon. The dance wasn't too complicated, which was probably a good thing because only a couple of the girls were dancers. The emcee was not so great. Okay, he was pretty bad. He could sing though, and he did a Beatles medly while the contestants changed outfits. I enjoyed the medly, which was a pleasant surprise after listening to this yahoo all night, although I thought including "Come Together" was an interesting choice for a pageant. I mean, it's a drug song, and the lyrics only make sense when you're high. "Hey Jude, fine. "Can't Buy Me Love", fine. But with all of the choices of Beatles songs, "Come Together?" Why not "Mean Mr. Mustard ," or "Polythene Pam?" I'm just saying. Or "Rocky Raccoon?" That seems like a nice crowd pleasing song. Just throw a dart at the White Album and there you go. But I digress.

First up was fitness and lifestyle competition, which is pretty much the chicks in heels and swimsuits competition. If you can walk across a stage in front of hundreds of people in beach attire, you have to be pretty confident. Or maybe you lost a bet. Either way, better them than me. As it was a small Utah town pageant, it was no surprise that all the girls wore fairly modest one-piece swimsuits, which is refreshing, especially when you realize some of these girls are only 16 or 17. Two of the girls seemed very sure of themselves during this part, and really worked the stage. The other five, however, didn't seem like they were really that comfortable with it. And I don't blame them.

Next up was the onstage question section. This was definitely the worst part of the night. In fact, this may have been the worst onstage question segment I have ever seen. The questions were mundane at best. Questions like "what is the difference between a violin and a fiddle?" Why not just ask things like "what's your favorite color?" "Do you like fruit?" "Is it important to eat breakfast?" Where are the questions about current events or controversial subjects? The girls seemed like they already knew what the questions were going to be, because the answers were pretty canned. And none of the answers were very great either.

The talent competition is what makes or breaks a girls chance to win a pageant. Playing the piano is safe, if you have practiced enough to do it flawlessly. The first piano solo was okay, but there were quite a few mistakes. The last piano solo wasn't much better. But at least no one played "Whitewater Chopsticks." I'm getting tired of that. If you can dance, dancing is okay. The first contestant to perform did a dance/cheer which she did pretty well. Her costume choice was terrible. I think a clown from the 80's called and wants their outfit back. Another contestant played the guitar and sang a song she wrote herself. The song wasn't terrible, but it wasn't that great either. Kind of dull. But she gets points for writing a song, singing the song, and playing the song. It's refreshing to see a guitar onstage, but I would have enjoyed it more if she had played "Smoke on the Water" or something that shows off guitar skill.

Three girls, including the guitarist, sang. The second girl to sing was absolutely terrible. She said she studied something called vocal toning, which is based on the premise that anyone can sing with the right training. Um, no. No they can't. I'm not sure if she was even near the right key, and I cringed with embarrassment for her. Someone, probably not her vocal coach, needs to take her aside and gently explain to her that music is not her calling, and she might be better off taking up another skill. Otherwise she's going to try out for American Idol and got mocked in front of the whole country, not just most of the city.

The third girl to sing did a really great job. She had one or two notes that didn't quite work, but I thought she did the best out of the talent choices. I think the judges did to as she ended up winning the title.

The most disappointing talent was the girl who played the fiddle. I was expecting more from someone who chose "The Devil Went Down to Georgia." If you're going to play Charlie Daniels, you'd better have the chops to do it. Alas, she didn't. Although I think everyone was mesmerized with the fringe on her costume that flipped around when she moved. I know it distracted me. A friend of mine wasn't distracted, and she informed me how bad the performance really was.

My favorite part of a pageant is the formal wear competition, where the girls wear fancy dresses and walk around the stage. Words fail me to describe the hideousness of the first dress. It was strapless with a sweetheart neckline, black and somewhat sparkly, but the bottom of the dress was confusing. I'm not sure if it was the fabric, or if the dress was really just strips of fabric across the thighs, and it was supposed to look like you could see through it. At the very least it was too mature for her age.

I was disappointed with most of the dresses. This is a beauty pageant for crying out loud! This is not an occasion to recycle a prom dress. You need something big and fancy and sparkly and sequined, with ridiculously high heels and big fancy hair and too much makeup. This is not an occasion for ponytails. Out of all the contestants, only one had a dress that I thought was pageanty enough. Yes, I know pageanty is not a word. I just made it up. It was all sequins and sparkles, all one color, which was some sort of teal shade I believe. Thanks to my rose colored glasses I'm not always sure what color things are. I didn't really like her dress, but it was more of what I wanted to see. The last girl to walk across the stage was wearing a dress that was a color I don't think I've ever seen before. Was it marigold or mustard? Was it a brown? It was ugly, whatever it was.

I'm going to another small town (an even smaller town) pageant next week. I think it will be more entertaining than this one. I hope so. As a beauty pageant junkie, I'd hate to have to give up watching pageants because they lost their entertainment value. My favorite part is breaking down the pageant afterwards, regardless of if the comments are positive or snarky.