My Thoughts on Pageants

I confess, I like watching pageants. I have never competed in a pageant, never really wanted to compete in a pageant, and count myself lucky that my daughter has no desire to be in a pageant. But I find them interesting and amusing, and the whole point of the pageant is to be judged, and I do like to judge. This year I watched the Miss America pageant, as usual, but this time with friends and family instead of just Brent. And since we have a DVR we were able to back it up to see when someone stumbled or stepped on their dress, and to determine whether or not Miss Nebraska had a belly button. I still say she didn't.

I have attended two local pageants this year, and I can honestly say that a lot of the quality of the pageant has got to be due to a pageant director who keeps focused and keeps everyone on task. One went really well, the other was pretty much a train wreck. The train wreck was a lot more fun to watch, I might add.

Friends and family of girls who can’t sing should be horsewhipped for not preventing their friend from performing in a pageant when it is obvious they would make it into the joke footage of American Idol.

Worst rendition of Take A Chance On Me ever, including the one in the movie!She didn’t place, by the way.

The entertainment during the competition was fine, but what was the deal in dressing up little girls as hoochies/hookers? thigh highs and animal print?And booty shaking? Little girls don't have booties to shake.

And the older dance company that performed—hot pants are not flattering on everyone. Even pink hot pants. Especially pink hot pants. And there was more booty shaking.

One contestant did a martial arts demonstration with a bo staff. That was awesome. I really wanted her to win. She didn't.

I really wish that a pageant contestant would come out, plug in an electric guitar and play “Smoke On the Water”. That would be the coolest thing ever. Well, the coolest thing ever to happen at a pageant.

What happened to the Miss Congeniality award? Maybe none of the contestants were nice so they didn’t award one.

I would feel sorry for the girls having to parade around the stage in swim suits and high heels, except they knew what they were getting into.

You can tell you’re in Utah when every girl is wearing a one-piece bathing suit.

You can tell who doesn’t have a dance talent pretty easily.

If you wear a modest evening gown you probably won’t win.

If you don’t have a talent, don’t compete. If you can play an instrument, sing, dance, or do something awesome—that’s okay. In fact, the unusual talents are sometimes quite enjoyable. You probably won’t make it to Miss America, but your town will love you.

It’s wise to get judges from out of town to judge the pageant. Long evening gowns are in, and the sparklier the better. However, most likely your prom dress will not work as an evening gown. And just say no to the hoop skirt. And you might want to consider going commando, because you're going to get marked down for that panty line.

Giving the tech people a copy of your program is wise. Sticking to the program you came up with is also wise, unless you want a train wreck. I like a good train wreck.

If the microphones don't work, no one can hear you. Which, judging by some of the questions and answers, that might be a good thing. Especially if your answer involves Haiti and yammering on for more than a couple of minutes.

The most talented girl isn't always the one who wins. At one pageant I attended recently the first runner up presented a video of playing softball for her talent. I can just see her visiting a rest home, trying to throw the ball to the residents to hit. Doesn't really scream entertainment value to me.

I really tried to make sense of the judging criteria for the pageants, but I don't see how a swim suit competition shows physical fitness. If they really want to see who is physically fit they should make the contestants do an obstacle course or climb a rope. Or hit each other with the giant q-tips they had on American Gladiator, and last one standing is the winner.

At Miss America this year they let the contestants vote for one girl to make the final 15. I say throw a crown in the middle of a mud pile and see who gets a hold of it and they make it to the next round.