On Snow

I hate snow. Hate it, hate it, hate it. I don't know if there are enough distasteful words in the dictionary to describe how much I hate snow. It wasn't always this way of course. As a child I loved snow, loved playing in the snow, sledding in the snow, making snow angels. Even walking to school in the snow (barefoot and uphill both ways) wasn't too bad. No, I didn't start hating snow until after I had to start shoveling it. Unearthing the car, unearthing the driveway…really not so much fun. My parents didn't get a snow blower until after I left home.

Until we got our house, Brent and I were constantly removing snow from our cars. Thankfully we now have a garage, and only cars are allowed to be in it. Well, cars and some other stuff, but not so much stuff that our cars are out in the driveway getting covered with stupid snow. It saves time, and is much safer to leave the house when you don't have to scrape off your windows and wait for the car to defrost.

We do have a snowblower, albeit an old, small one that we got for free when my grandpa Brimhall died. It's got to be at least 15 years old, but it was free. And until it dies I just can't see springing for a new one. Until recently Brent was gone most of the time, so it seemed pointless to buy a new one when it gets used once or twice a year.

This year I have had to shovel more snow than I have ever wanted to in my entire life. Every time I shovel my back hurts sooner and I do less and less. I'm pretty much at the point where I'd better quit shoveling. The other day I shoveled just enough to get the car out, and then the snow plow put snowman size chunks of snow in the driveway, and I had to remove enough of the snow to get her to school. And of course we ended up being late for school.

I was so mad I started yelling at the snow and kicking it, telling it exactly what I thought. I'm sure the neighbors got quite a show, and were amused by my rant about how I hate snow, winter, Utah, Utah winter weather, snow shovels, and on and on. The snow was very deep and heavy that day. Two days later it got worse, and then it got even worse than that. We have to have close to two feet of snow out there, and of course H is having a ball. As she should. Her job is to play in the snow and have fun, not remove it from the sidewalk and driveway so you can get the car out. Maybe I'll just homeschool her for the winter…

Snow

You ever notice how people who think the snow is so beautiful on the trees and the ground and the mountains are not the ones pushing a snow blower or hefting a snow shovel?

Migraines are Evil

So I have basically had a migraine everyday for the last couple of months. Since I can't seem to sit at a computer for more than 10 minutes without incurring another one, it has been and probably will be awhile until I get another post done. And I have a great one in my head about Halloween Costumes.

Of PTA and Suckers

So it turns out that if you sign the paper to be a room mother you are not signing up to help in the classroom, you are signing up to be in charge of all of the parties in the classroom. Back in my day a room mother was a mommy who came in and helped out once in awhile, not the party mommy. So while I feel a little bit like a sucker, I have to admit that I do like to plan parties, so this really isn't a horrible assignment. Even though I was suckered into it.

Halloween Ghost

I hate the Halloween Ghost. The stupid ghost that shows up at your house with a plate of goodies and an admonition to make two more plates of goodies and keep it going on around the neighborhood. I also hate his cousin, the Christmas Star.

Why do I hate this tradition, you might ask. For starters, the stupid ghost does not make it around the entire neighborhood. Someone is always left out, which is obvious by the lack of a Xeroxed ghost in the window. Of course they also might be trying to score extra goodies by not displaying the ghost. But it becomes pretty obvious pretty fast who the popular families in the neighborhood are. And if you happen to live in an area where most of the people are members of the same religion, it also shows who the outsiders are.

Not everyone makes good treats. Some people make horrendous cookies. Others go the easy way and buy some goodies from the store. I could do that myself, and make sure it was something I wanted. The same with Christmas neighbor gifts. I don't need any more plates of candy or cookies. I certainly don't need any bottles of Sprite with a tag wishing me that my "days be merry and Sprite." I don't need bags of marshmallows labeled ghost poop. I don't need more Christmas ornaments. It would be nice if neighbors would spend the money and time consumed in creating and delivering neighbor gifts and instead used those resources on the local food bank, or other community needs.

But maybe I'm just being a little cranky because our house if often overlooked by the Halloween Ghost. I can't imagine why. Maybe it has to go with the go away or else sign in my front yard…

On Weekends

A lot of people spend their weekends doing home improvement projects. Our neighbors are often seen mowing their lawns, cleaning out their garages, and unloading items purchased at Home Depot. Many women I know compile honey do lists for their husbands. I admit I often have honey do's for Brent, but I haven't quite mastered the concept of the honey do. Brent's honey do's usually involve putting batteries in remotes. Yes, I am that lazy. I will switch to another remote control instead of changing the batteries myself. The only batteries I will change when he is gone are the ones in the smoke alarm. Otherwise, it's going to wait for Brent.

Brent also ends up with things like "check H's bike to see if the seat is the right height", or "put salt in the water softener." This week he's going to be putting up the decorations for Halloween. He's the one that wanted a big graveyard in the front yard, so he's going to darn well be the one to set it up. I usually end up taking all of Halloween and Christmas down, which is somewhat irritating, but it is what it is.

We usually spend our weekends having fun as a family. Unlike most of our neighbors, friends and family, Brent travels most of the time. He is basically gone from Sunday night to Friday night, so our Saturdays are the only time we have to hang out together. And we are not going to blow that time on mowing the lawn or weeding the yard. If we're going to blow that day we're going to do it by staying up too late, sleeping in too late, and playing WII all day. Once one of Brent's brothers was trying to solicit helpers for a project. I flat out told him that Brent wasn't available. I have no problems keeping him from having other obligations on Saturdays. He is already scheduled taking H and I out for lunch.

Sundays are a bit of a trial for us. Right now we have morning church and it just doesn't work in a house of night owls. Brent would sleep all day if you would let him, and H is known as mini Brent when it comes to mornings. We do sometimes make it to church, but our attendance rate is much higher when the meetings are at 11:00am or 1:00.

Our current Sunday schedule shows that after we have lunch Mommy gets to have a nap and H and Brent have daddy/daughter time. Sometimes they go for drives, sometimes they watch tv, and sometimes they go on bike rides. Since H tends to poop out rather early on bike rides, this is one that won't be attempted again for awhile.

Almost every Sunday we have dinner with my family, either at my dad's place or at our house. Since my youngest brother Ryan is working at the Payson Wal-Mart, we've been having Sunday dinners at our place so he can pop in, see the family, and have a meal. After dinner we usually drive Brent to the airport or help Brent pack for his trip. Helping is used loosely, because H and I are more of a hindrance than a help.

If we're at home Sunday night we watch tv, play WII, and attempt to go to bed at a reasonable hour. 11:00pm is reasonable, right? Just don't tell the Supernanny that H is up with us.

Early Out

I really detest the early out days at H's school. Since she is in kindergarten on Early Out Wednesdays she had to go to school at 12:15. Usually class starts at 12:40. We generally remember to leave for school at 12:30. Two weeks in a row now I have forgotten about Early Out, and H has been late two Wednesdays in a row. If I hadn't happened to look at the calendar today to see what was going on after school and noticed the 12:15 notation for school today, she would have been much later. Since I noticed that at 12:15, we got out the door and H was only late by 5 minutes.

Instead of getting out at 3:15, she gets out at 2:20. So why even take her to school for 2 hours? By the time I start getting anything done, it's time to go get her. And after we get home and have snack time, it's time to leave for gymnastics. Which I also forgot about today. Which makes me wonder if there is any point to having a calendar, since I don't always remember to check it. We even have daily schedules for each day of the week to keep this from happening! Of course, the month-long sinus infection I've had has completely thrown us off our schedule. Perhaps if we got back on schedule we could handle this early out nonsense. Hmm…

On Books

So today is the beginning of Banned Books Week. Apparently the American Library Association supports the First Amendment by calling attention to books that are banned or challenged at libraries and schools around the country. I will have to find out if my local library is participating, and if not, encourage them to do so.

To the best of my knowledge I have never suggested that a book be banned. I've read a few that were stupid. I've read a few that are offensive in some ways. I've read many books that I wouldn't recommend to people who are extremely fastidious about what they read. I've read some absolutely fabulous books. And I have read a good portion of the books on the banned books list.

Some of the reasons that books are banned or challenged do make some sense. But some others don't make sense at all. I'm sorry, but the Harry Potter books do not promote Satanism, are not anti-family, and if you have ever tried any of the spells you know they don't work. What the Potter books do is get people to read them. My brother Mike, who doesn't read anything, not only read all 7 of the Potter books, he also read the entire Lord of the Rings series. You will never find me agreeing with anyone that these books should be banned.

R.L. Stine, author of the "Goosebumps" series, and other creepy books that I used to read in junior high and high school has been banned for being Satanic. Those books get kids to read. I don't care what the content is, other than step-by-step instructions for bomb making, anything that gets kids to read is good.

The Twilight Series has been challenged for being too sexy—the book promotes abstinence until marriage. The only reason I could think of to challenge Twilight is for the poor editing job.

The Kite Runner was challenged for sexual content and being age inappropriate. That book was written for adults. If adults can't handle reading a book that accurately depicts life in Afghanistan under the Taliban, including a traumatic rape of an 11-year-old boy, then they shouldn't be reading anything that's on the adult shelf, other than Christian lit.

Some of my favorite books were on the list, including The Fountainhead, Atlas Shrugged, Catcher in the Rye, Gone With the Wind, a Wrinkle in Time. A lot of books I had to read in school are on the list, including Of Mice and Men, Grapes of Wrath, As I Lay Dying, Fahrenheit 451. Why? I'm not sure, although language is often cited. The Grapes of Wrath was banned in California because of how it depicted migrant workers during the Great Depression.

In high school I had to get a signed note saying it was okay if I read Catcher in the Rye. It's got some swear words in it. Whoopie freaking do. It's a fantastic book and I feel it should be required reading.

My personal philosophy on books is that I can read whatever I want, my husband can read what he wants, and if my daughter wants to read something I am going to let her—unless it's the Kama Sutra. I do have my limits, after all.

On Shopping Malls

There are things I love about malls, things that make no sense, and some things I flat out hate. I like that there are numerous stores so you can get several things in the same place. I like when there are more than three choices in the food court.

I really am not a fan of the little kiosks in the mall. I understand the need to fill that space so it isn't wasted. But I hate it when the people working at the kiosk basically accost you and try to drag you into a sales pitch. The hand lotion people seem to be the worst. I do my best to not make eye contact with them, and sometimes even go into stores that I don't necessarily need to go into just to avoid these people. The Living Scriptures are the worst.

Why does a store like Express which caters to thin, young trendy people have a plethora of floor space and wide aisles between clothing racks, while Motherhood Maternity is crammed into a small space where a pregnant woman is bound to get stuck between to racks of clothing?

I love going to Gymboree because the clothes are so cute, and H loves going because there is a tv showing children's shows in the back. This buys me a lot of time to peruse the discount rack.

I don't enjoy walking past Victoria's Secret. I don't like having to explain to my daughter why ladies are in their underwear—or hardly in their underwear as the case may be.

When a mall has a play area that's fantastic. I really miss the play area in Provo Towne Centre. It only had one way to get in so you only had to keep an eye on one exit. The Orem mall has an okay play area, but it's hard to find a place to sit where you can keep an eye on the entire perimeter.

It annoys me when the pretzel stand doesn't have parmesan cheese as an option. I know it's messy, but if the mall isn't carpeted who cares?

The glass block walkways at the Provo Towne Centre (PTC) freak me out. I know that the walkway is structurally sound—I was the Project Secretary when the mall was built and I saw every piece of that building go up. I even helped get the stars in the floor in the main entrance to the mall—I handed them to one of the executives who ended up installing them just to meet the grand opening deadline. Getting back on track, the walkway still freaks me out.

I am not a fan of outdoor shopping centers. In the summer they are too hot, and the in the winter too cold.

See's Candies will give you a free chocolate just for going in the store.

When they don't have an As Seen on TV Store. What if you don't want to pay shipping for your Snuggie or Perfect Brownie?

Stuff I Hate-Movie Edition

I can't stand Robin Williams.

Tom Hanks. He was fine in You've Got Mail, but he ruined DaVinci Code. And I want the three hours of my life back that I wasted watching Castaway.

Waiting who knows how many years for the Simpsons movie, only to get The Simpsons Movie. It just wasn't that funny. At least it only cost me a dollar at the dollar movie.

Not a big Nicholas Cage fan. Why can't they find someone who's good looking to take his parts?

How the Bring It On franchise keeps making movies and they keep getting progressively worse.

How they show all of the Bring It On movies back to back so you end up watching them, wondering why you are wasting your life this way.

Waterworld. Ugh.

Not a huge fan of Robert Pattinson as Edward. Casting could have been better.

Speaking of casting, the Davinci Code was completely miscast.

How the books are always better than the movie.

That they cut the funniest Weasley twin moments out of the Harry Potter movies.

Grease and Grease 2. There aren't enough words in the English language to describe how much I loathe these movies.

I was very disappointed with 2012. It didn't live up to my expectations as a disaster movie. The best park was the driving sequences. The rest of it—well, not so much.

How almost every Disney movie features a single parent home. Sure, Sleeping Beauty had parents, but she was raised by fairies. It seems like you can't have adventures if you have two parents.

Finding Nemo. Just don't like it.

Remakes. They are hardly ever as good as the original. Star Trek wasn't a remake, it was a retelling that took things in a different direction, so it doesn't count.

Sequels just to make money. Shrek 2, 3, 4 anyone?

The fact that everytime I get a complete set of Star Wars formats change and I have to buy them again. Maybe I'll skip blu-ray and wait until the next format comes along.

Domesticity 4

We don't talk about the fourth attempt at making macaroni and cheese. However, the fifth attempt is pretty darn close to what I want it to be. I think just a little more salt in the sauce and replacing the white cheddar with a more flavorful cheese will put it just where I want it.

While grating the cheese I managed to drop the top of the food processor and break the pusher. It's $5 for a replacement, and $6 for shipping. It's still cheaper than buying a new one.

I can start thinking about the next dish I want to master, since the mac and cheese is so close. Maybe brioche…

Weddings

I love watching the show Four Weddings on TLC. I love seeing the different takes on weddings, and the style and expense of weddings is so far beyond what I am used to. Here in Utah it is rare to attend a wedding that is a full-day event and includes a sit-down dinner. Only a few close friends and family members are invited to the ceremony; a larger number of people are invited to the reception. After the ceremony there is usually a luncheon or breakfast for members of the wedding party and the guests that attended the ceremony. The reception is generally held in a backyard or a church building, with a few brides taking advantage of the few reception centers available.

I suppose I should state that some brides in Salt Lake City do have more lavish affairs, but it's not the standard.

Guests arrive at the reception, sign the guest book—the current trend is scrapbook pages to sign that can be placed directly into the wedding scrapbook. Guests either place their gift on a table or a young child comes and carries it for them. Usually the guests then stand in line to congratulate the bride and groom. Depending on the size of the wedding party, this can take a long time. After the line, you get a cup of punch and a small dessert. Sometimes someone will bring it to you. A lot of times you pick it up yourself.

A recent trend that I quite enjoy is the chocolate fountain at weddings. Let's face it, anything you dip in chocolate is a good dessert. Ice cream bars are becoming quite popular as well.

You can actually have a nice wedding in Utah for under $1,000. My SIL Katlyn had a lovely casual wedding in my dad's backyard. We rented some round tables, borrowed chairs from friends and family. She wore a beautiful gown that cost around $600. My brother wore a tux and the groomsmen wore matching polo shirts and khaki shorts. The bridesmaids wore matching shirts and white capris or skirts. Since it was July 5^th and very hot we were all very happy about not having to be formal. Katlyn opted not to have a wedding cake, deeming it an unnecessary expense. Her stepmom did the food. My husband did the music. The flower girls wore the cutest matching tank tops and shorts. They got married, had a nice reception, and didn't break the bank.

I have yet to go to an all-day wedding. Sometimes the ceremony will be right before the wedding at the same location, but I've yet to see a full meal served for all wedding guests.

Domesticity Three

Still working on the Macaroni and Cheese project. I have decided that provolone cheese is a little strong for mac and cheese—at least the kind that is available at our Wal-Mart. I'm also not ultra impressed with Vermont white cheddar cheese, and my mac and cheese is still not as creamy as Nate's. Next week we try muenster.

The second practice birthday cake for H turned out much better than the first one. I think we're ready to make one for her birthday. It's in a month.

I have cooked several meals this week. Mac and cheese, chicken wings and corn, and today we are having crock pot chicken enchiladas. H helped me make the layers.

Tomorrow we dine on leftovers.

Camping Notes

So we went camping last weekend. A couple of my nieces and nephews had never been, so it was lots of fun to see their first camping experiences. They also got to learn fire safety, and overall did pretty good with staying out of the fire, other than playing with the ashes.

My BIL keep getting after my nephew for throwing sticks in the fire. So when it came time to gather more firewood my nephew said "I guess I'll go get more damn firewood." He's seven, and if he hadn't been so sad it would have been pretty funny.

If you buy the giant marshmallows you only need one marshmallow, two full graham crackers and a full chocolate bar to make a giant s'more. If you put the chocolate bar on the graham cracker on a plate and set it near the fire it will melt and make the most awesome s'more ever. I really don't like s'mores that much, if you must know.

I think you could make an easy s'more by heating up a chocolate Moon Pie.

My niece McKenzie has renamed Dutch Oven Enchilada Casserole "Giant Enchilada." Dutch Oven Giant Enchilada is awesome. Even the little kids ate it. And it had jalapenos and enchilada sauce in it.

You can get away with eating all the cookies if no one sees you and you blame it on the mice.

It's a good idea to bring extra toilet paper on a campout, even if you are camping where there is a potty.

It takes freakin' forever to cook hot dogs and marshmallows over coals. Next time I'm throwing more wood in regardless of what anyone says, particularly if the person hasn't camped in over 20 years.

It's a good idea to put all the kids in the same tent so that when they leave the tent screen open all the bugs go in their tent, and not yours.

Always bring an extra lawn chair.

The later the hour, the gigglier the group gets. Even Brent gets giggly.

Cold cereal and Pop tarts for breakfast is a great idea, particularly if everyone gets up at a different time. The early birds are happy, and the late risers can eat breakfast when they want, and it's supposed to be cold.

Ten Reasons Why I Rock As An Aunt

I learned how to be an aunt from some really amazing women. I learned how to cook, entertain, craft and play games. They showed me how to spoil my nieces and nephews. From my aunts I learned different perspectives on life, and caught glimpses into different circumstances. I saw the fun some of them had interacting together as sisters and sister-in-laws, and I saw conflict between them as well. All of these things have influenced the way I treat my nieces and nephews.

So here are ten reasons that my nephews and nieces love coming over to my house, and love it when I show up at theirs.

1. I have a fridge full of Coke.
   
2. Cookie dough is a food group at Aunt Lindsays.
   
3. Aunt Lindsay has a WII and a projector and surround sound.
   
4. Foosball, air hockey and a play area full of toys in the basement.
   
5. The craft cupboard is always full of supplies.
   
6. The philosophy at our house is "if you go home hungry it's your own fault."
   
7. Aunt Lindsay doesn't snitch.
   
8. I rarely yell at the kids unless they are in danger or destroying something.
   
9. I love my nieces and nephews and them to know that above anything else.
   
10. Who else are you going to go to when planning a prank or caper? Seriously.

Domesticity Two

So my macaroni and cheese turned out pretty good. I used too much mozzarella, I think, and maybe the provolone was a little sharp. And I'm not sure that you could tell that it had romano in it. But the fresh bread crumbs that were on the top turned out well. I'm not sure my little food processor has worked so hard in a long time. It was an awful lot of work, but pretty darn tasty. I ended up combining a recipe from Martha Stewart with what my brother Nate said. So the first attempt turned out well, but the leftovers weren't as creamy as Nate's. I'll have to try again.

Really, You're Sticking With THat?

We all saw it coming. We knew it would happen. As much as we hoped it wouldn't, it was inevitable. I am talking, of course, about the skankification of Miley Cyrus. Yes, I made up the word skankification. If former President George W. Bush could make up words, then so can I.

I really didn't think the ice cream pole dance was that big of a deal, but the hoochy shorts were pushing it. But if you go onstage wearing something like this,

and then have the nerve to say "I'm not trying to be slutty" then you are so far over the truth line that you can't even see it.

Seriously, any self-respecting streetwalker wouldn't wear this thing. It's no wonder that her clothing line is on the clearance rack at Wal-Mart. No parent in their right mind is going to purchase clothes that leave nothing to the imagination. Plus the stretch pants were really ugly. I mean, super ugly. They are so ugly that I can't even find a picture of them on the internet to show you. They are skin tight and black and words fail me. And the stirrup pants? Even for $4 on clearance you're not going to find any takers. They were a disgrace back in 1986.

These shorts cost $14! Fourteen bucks for shorts that have holes in them and don't even cover your butt.

They are called distressed. I know I sound like a crotchety old man, but you could make those for free by cutting off the legs of pants you already own. You know, if your mother hasn't already chucked them because of the holes in them. I know my mother would've.

How about this one?

It's a romper. Last I checked only 3-6 month old babies wore those. They even come in different colors, with or without a back!

What's next, a tramp stamp? I don't think I want to know.

Really? You’re Sticking with That?

We all saw it coming. We knew it would happen. As much as we hoped it wouldn't, it was inevitable. I am talking, of course, about the skankification of Miley Cyrus. Yes, I made up the word skankification. If former President George W. Bush could make up words, then so can I.

I really didn't think the ice cream pole dance was that big of a deal, but the hoochy shorts were pushing it. But if you go onstage wearing something like this,

and then have the nerve to say "I'm not trying to be slutty" then you are so far over the truth line that you can't even see it.

 

Seriously, any self-respecting streetwalker wouldn't wear this thing. It's no wonder that her clothing line is on the clearance rack at Wal-Mart. No parent in their right mind is going to purchase clothes that leave nothing to the imagination. Plus the stretch pants were really ugly. I mean, super ugly. They are so ugly that I can't even find a picture of them on the internet to show you. They are skin tight and black and words fail me. And the stirrup pants? Even for $4 on clearance you're not going to find any takers. They were a disgrace back in 1986.

These shorts cost $14! Fourteen bucks for shorts that have holes in them and don't even cover your butt.

They are called distressed. I know I sound like a crotchety old man, but you could make those for free by cutting off the legs of pants you already own. You know, if your mother hasn't already chucked them because of the holes in them. I know my mother would've.

How about this one?

 

 

It's a romper. Last I checked only 3-6 month old babies wore those. They even come in different colors, with or without a back!

What's next, a tramp stamp? I don't think I want to know.

Domesticity 1

Last weekend I prepared four meals. This is the current record because although I like to cook, I really haven't made it a priority since before H was born. She's four now, almost five. As soon as I felt up to cooking again (H was two) my mom died, which sent me spiraling into a depression which I may never fully pull myself out of. Then we were in a car accident and it took quite a few months (and a prescription for Celexa) before I physically felt able to start cooking. Although I really didn't make a lot of meals. Maybe one or two a week.

Other stuff happened, and I am still grieving for my mom, and then my back went out. It's now been about 6 weeks and I'm starting to feel pretty good. Basically, I have run out of excuses to avoid cooking dinner. So on Friday I made steak. Yes, I did forget to make side dishes. In my defense, I was really sad on Friday and was doing good to make anything. Saturday was a holiday. On Sunday I made grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch. Since H was very sick we didn't go to my dads for dinner, so I went fancy and made waffles from scratch for my little family. Every bowl in my house is now dirty, but my husband loves waffles. On Monday I made grilled sandwiches for lunch again.

Today we embark on a new journey. My next cooking goal is to master macaroni and cheese from scratch. Having mastered Kraft Macaroni and Cheese quite awhile ago, I feel it is now time to step up my game. Plus my little brother makes awesome mac and cheese and as the big/only sister I feel it is my sworn duty to out do him. So I called him and got the recipe and spent $12 on cheeses. Provolone, Romano Reggiano and Mozzarella. Attempt one is today. Wish me luck. Wish my family luck, since they have to eat it.

Huh?

So I have a lot of issues with the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse show, starting with the fact that only Tootles is smart enough to take supplies on an adventure, and it seems like everyone is pretty much incapable of holding anything, as they are always handing things off to hands that come out of nowhere. My current issue is the fact that there is a bridge in Mickey Mouse land made of glass. They can't walk over it without slipping, so they have to get a carpet from Tootles so they can cross the bridge. How that ever passed planning and zoning I don't know. You'd think even in Mickey Mouse land that they would think it unwise to build a bridge out of a breakable material, much less one that was likely to cause accidents. I'm just saying.

Home Cooks vs. Professional Chefs

I have been watching The Next Food Network Star. At the moment I am quite annoyed with Paul. He thinks he's quite a big shot, and not only is he condescending to the other contestants, he disparaged home cooks! Just because you aren't a classically or formally trained chef doesn't mean you can't prepare excellent food. And being a home cook doesn't mean you aren't capable of fixing food to serve hundreds of people, like the recent challenge of catering for Colbi Calliat's Grammy after-party. Anyone who has ever planned a wedding, a ward party, missionary welcome home, or has done food for a funeral is capable of feeding a large group. Basically, if you've ever been involved in anything concerning a church function you can pull that off.

I'll give you that home cooks differ from restaurant chefs. Unless you are out of your mind a home cook only prepares one meal at a time, not a different meal for each member of the family. From watching Supernanny I know there are a few exceptions out there, but for most of it there are two choices for dinner, which are take it or leave it. That's how it works around here.

And at home we have to wash our own dishes, so there isn't a never-ending stream of clean pots and pans appearing before us. And more often than not the home chef, aka Mom, ends up cooking the whole meal herself. There is not always a sous chef to help pick up the slack. Sometimes there is a little helper who insists on mixing the food or hanging on to your pant leg, but that is more of a hindrance than a help.

Home cooks are no strangers to food critics. Although a key difference is that we can opt to send the critic to their room without dinner, while a chef just has to take it.

I like the Food Network. Although there a few chefs I really can't stand watching, namely Rachel Ray-she's just too dang perky-I have learned a lot of new techniques and gotten a lot of ideas to try. The favorite waffle recipe in our house is Emerils.

So while I haven't picked a favorite chef to root for on this seasons Star, I definitely do not want Paul to win. And it's doubtless that a lot of other home cooks, which is most of the demographic for Food Network, agree with me.

Tennessee Part One

Was it lying when I led the TSA to believe that I had forgotten to take the DVD player out of my bag when it was actually my netbook I had forgotten to take out? It would have been extra hassle, and we already had enough hassle what with trying to take a YooHoo through for H.

The Atlanta airport is evil and should be avoided at all costs. I landed in A, had to take a train to E, then they said my flight was in B, so I took a train to B, and they said to go back to E. Yeesh. I ending up doing this journey with a couple I met in the train. Once they finally started boarding our flight they called us up by zones, to walk down the walkway to a stairway to get on a bus to go to the airplane. Zones really worked well for that. Then we sat for an hour on the tarmac, waiting to takeoff. There was no beverage service on this flight, and they made us turn off our phones. Since Brent and H were flying on Southwest and I was on Delta (a free flight is a free flight), it was a good thing I managed to fire off a text letting him know I was running behind.

Once I got to Tennessee, Brent made us eat at the Awful House—I mean Waffle House. H ate a grilled cheese sandwich and ¼ of my waffle. At least this time Brent didn't make me try grits.

Brent met me at the airport with a icy cold Diet Dr. Pepper. It's nice to be loved.

To be continued…

The Bucket List

Having just marked one thing off the bucket list (be in a play), I have started to wonder what I/we should tackle next. You see, it's a family bucket list, with a few things on it that are obviously mine (like Brent is going to learn to make molten chocolate fudge cake) and a few that are Brents like visit 50 states. He has two left, and we're going to Tennessee next week. The other is Alaska.

Other things that we have already done are: visit the Mystery Spot, visit the Winchester Mystery House, see Niagara Falls, visit Arches, go to Mt. Rushmore, go to Washington DC, and we have been all over New York State.

The current list:

Carlsbad Caverns

Glacier National Park

Yellowstone (we've been there, but H hasn't)

Zions

Bryces

Go to Catalina Island (again, H hasn't been)

Great Stone Face (I'm not sure if Brent has been there or not, but there is a rock formation that is in the shape of Joseph Smiths head)

Paul Bunyan's Log Pile (Brent and I found this, and H hasn't been)

Make Macaroni Grill Lemon Cake

Disneyland/Disney World (Spring Break of 2011)

Gettysburg (the one thing we didn't see when we were in DC)

Go on a Cruise

Hole-In-The-Rock

Rome/Italy (I want to visit all the things mentioned in Angels and Demons)

Set-up model train in basement

Take H on a river run

Take H to New York City

Stonehenge

Timpanogas Cave (take H before it shuts down)

Heber Creeper

Durango, Colorado

Grand Canyon

Find, Destroy Atlantis

Drive through Uintahs (that's a Brent one)

Be on Wheel of Fortune (Lindsay)

Write a book (again, Lindsay)

South American Ruins

Visit all 50 states (so close Brent)

Scuba Diving

Snorkeling

I'm thinking the next on the list will be the Great Stone Face or Paul Bunyans log pile. It is way too freaking hot to visit Hole-In-The-Rock, and we will most likely do Zions or Bryces for fall break. Perhaps we will do Timp. Cave while my nieces are out here.

Cabin

We used to go up to a cabin in Hobble Creek Canyon. It was generally the same group of people, Brent and I, my parents, my brothers and my Aunt Chandra and my cousin Stef. We would hang out, play a lot of games-it seems like Cataan really should have been settled by now-eat tasty food and just relax. We would also watch movies, and after awhile it became a contest to see who could bring the stupidest movie. I usually won that particular competition.

The most fun I ever had at the cabin was one October when we had three four-wheelers at the cabin. It had been raining, so the roads were fairly muddy. It was the afternoon of our last day, and for some reason Nate, my dad and I decided to go out for one last ride. It was freezing, it was muddy, and it was raining. I could barely see more than a few feet in front of me, and by the time we got back to the cabin we were all absolutely covered in mud. During the whole drive the thought that kept me going was that when I got back to the cabin I could get into the hot tub that was waiting for me. My dad was thinking the same thing. Unbeknownst to us, Nate had already drained the hot tub. You can imagine our disappointment when we returned to the cabin, muddy, wet and freezing, and there was no hot tub waiting for us. Since my shoes and pants were covered in mud, I ended up wearing my pajamas home. And since I had no extra shoes I seem to recall Brent helping me into the truck in my stocking feet.

Even though it took awhile to warm up, and we had to tease Nate about draining the hot tub for years, that is still one of the best times I ever had at the cabin. We haven't been up in a couple of years, and I'm not sure if or when we will go up again. Now that my mom is gone it's hard to muster the ambition to go up. My memories of the cabin are so full of memories of her that I just don't know if I'm ready to go back.

Gravy Train

It is not in your best interest to interrupt the gravy train. While I have no idea where that expression came from, I do have a lot of examples of why this is a bad idea. For starters, you will lose your supply of baked goods. I bake a lot. In fact, more than most people I know, and I will often share my plethora of baked goods with others. When someone says "Thank you. I love homemade bread," I appreciate it. When they are happy to get homemade from scratch brownies or cookies, I'm happy too. But when they say something like "oh, I don't eat flour any more" or "thanks but I'm on a diet" or "I don't like that anymore" it ticks me off. And when I'm ticked off, the baked goods stop coming. And when the diet inevitably ends, as they always do, no baked goods are coming anymore.

The same with movie and party invites. I understand that everyone can't go to everything. And I understand that things come up. But when you say you're coming and don't, and when I bought your movie ticket because you said you were coming and then you didn't, guess who isn't getting invited to the movies anymore. And guess who isn't invited to parties anymore?

And guess who is at the bottom of my list. And if you are at the bottom of my list, I am not going to go out of my way to help you. If you have a problem, you're going to have to deal with it on your own, because I'm done with you. The gravy train is no longer stopping at your stop. And it's your own fault.

The Hills Are Alive

You know, all Captain Von Trapp really needed was the Supernanny.

This is what I have determined after 5 months of rehearsals for The Sound of Music. We are now down to our final dress rehearsals and finally start performances next week. At this point I can't wait until it's over. It's been fun, somewhat, but this particular production of The Sound of Music has to be the biggest train wreck of any show I have ever been affiliated with. Not that I've been in a ton of shows. In fact, I haven't been in one since high school, but still, it has been a lot harder than it had to be.

Two weeks from now H will be at her kindergarten assessment, and all of this will be but a memory.

This post really sucks. Maybe when the play is over I will be getting more sleep and will be able to think a little more clearly. See, little more clearly doesn't even makes sense. Perhaps if I could think anything but Do, a deer, a female deer I could form a full and correct sentence.

Why is it?

Why is it that I can think of great blog posts while I'm driving down the road, but the minute I sit down at my computer they are gone?

Ditto on story ideas.

And why is it that now the I am not supposed to be doing much of anything in order to let my back heal up that I really want to restart P90x?

Why is it that you can have 200 channels and there still isn't anything on?

And why does your kid complain about being hungry and as soon as you stop and get them a kids meal they are no longer hungry?

And why can't I find my black velour sweat pants?

Why is it that kids only get sick in the middle of the night?

BUI (Or Help I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up)

Lortab makes you wonky. I'm only taking half a pill, and I'm still getting pretty loopy. According to the doctor my sacrosiliac joint is out of place. So it's off to the chiropractor again.

This whole thing started on Mother's Day when I bent slightly to pick something up out of the recliner. Twinge, spasm, zap, pow and my back was out. After calling to my husband to come help me straighten up, we iced it and I hobbled around for the rest of the day. After a visit to the chiropractor, pain meds and a few days of taking it easy, it felt better. Until today, when I tried to get a yogurt out of the fridge and it happened again. Only this time it was worse and I ended up laying on the kitchen floor for 15 minutes while H fretted about what to do. She decided we needed to call Daddy, except he was on an airplane and it wouldn't do any good.

After a bit of a rest and a few bitten back swear words I made it to the recliner and called my dad to come help me. After almost passing out from having a pain pill on an empty stomach, we managed to make it to the doctor.

So here I am sitting in my recliner, watching tv and being thankful that my husband bought me a netbook so I can at least Google my condition and keep up on Facebook.

Ouch!

I hurt my thumb so it's hard to type and I've been really busy with rehearsals for the Sound of Music. But I have thought of some good posts in my head so as soon as I can type again and remember them, I'll update this site.

Why I Hate Gum

I hate chewing gum. Hate it, hate it, hate it. I'd keep going on the hates, but I don't want to keep typing it, and I'm too lazy to cut and paste. Why do I hate gum, you might ask? It's complicated, and it wasn't always that way. When I was a little kid I used to love gum. My favorite was watermelon Bubbalicious. One year for my birthday I got a pink gumball machine. Gum was everywhere! And after it got into hair and the couch and carpet one too many times, my mom declared our house a gum free zone. And that was pretty much the end of my gum chewing. While I was once solidly on the side of gum chewer, or even on the fence, I am now completely in the gum is evil and should be banned camp. For awhile it was illegal to chew gum in Singapore. A country after my own heart.

What do I have against gum? Well, let's see.

First of all it's disgusting to listen to someone chew gum. Chomp chomp chomp. And it's more disgusting to watch them.

When people pop their gum it makes me want to pop them one.

People don't just put their gum in the trash when they are done with it. No, they spit it out on the ground, stick it under tables, on the outsides of trash cans; basically anywhere someone is guaranteed to step in it you can find it.

Children find dried up gum stuck under a table and put it in their mouths. Eww.

Have you tried getting gum out of carpet? Hair? Have you had someone tried to get gum out of your hair.

I can't stand the smell of it. Doesn't matter what flavor, and I especially hate mint.

It is unsightly to see a piece of chewed up gum on someone's plate. I don't want to see that. No one wants to see that.

I realize I am in the minority, and even my beloved Singapore repealed the gum ban. Within hours the sidewalk in front of the airport was covered in spit out gum, but that's what they get for backing down. I myself am even being a little lenient. My little 4-year-old has discovered gum. I have given her the following rules: if I ever find a piece of chewed gum in or near the car, you won't be chewing gum anymore. I find it on my floor or anywhere else in the house, you won't be chewing gum any more. If I have to cut it out of your hair, no more gum for you. And it gets spit out before coming to the dinner table, and it only gets spit in the kitchen trash. And if you swallow it, you're done with gum.

So far she's doing okay abiding by the rules, but one of these days she's going to mess up and then it's "Welcome to Singapore." No gum allowed.

Sunday Dinners

Growing up, almost every Sunday dinner was the same. Roast beef, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn, and dinner rolls. Sometimes instead of beef we would have chicken. My mom got quite tired of this meal as it was what she had weekly growing up, but the rest of us loved it so much that three weeks out of four that's what was on the table. As the years went by my brothers and I learned to cook. All four of us can make this meal without thinking about it. My brother Nate makes the world's most delicious mashed potatoes. Unfortunately, they may also be the world's unhealthiest potatoes. Low-fat is not in his vocabulary. I don't even want to guess at the amount of calories and fat they contain. My brother Mike makes better gravy than I do. To be fair, he tries harder and takes more time. But I am the family champion at making dinner rolls. Out of the kids, I mean. Still can't outdo my dad.

My husband Brent's family liked having waffles for their Sunday dinner. And they all like to put peanut butter on their waffles and pancakes. Crazy, I know. On the plus side, all I have to do to make Brent extra happy is serve breakfast for dinner.

My family still gets together for Sunday dinner almost every week. To this day if Nate is the one cooking Sunday dinner, it will involve roast beef, chicken or a turkey, and have mashed potatoes. If my brother Mike is in charge we are probably having steak or bar-b-qued chicken. I assume my brother Ryan can make something other than fajitas, but that's really all I've ever seen him make. Of course, he is the baby. A 22 year-old baby, to be precise.

I like traditions. They connect us with our past. In my own little family I have carried over a lot of the traditions that I grew up with. We've even added a couple from my husband's side, though there aren't that many he can remember. As mired in tradition as our Sunday dinners have been, changes are seeping in. As the oldest child and the only girl, it usually falls to me to champion traditions, which is why I can't quite understand why I have started serving tacos for Sunday dinners. Almost every time my family comes to my house, we have tacos. Sometimes we have chicken enchiladas, but we mainly have tacos.

I like tacos. They are easy to make as most of the preparation can be done the night before. People put them together themselves and get them just the way they want. And they are cheap. Particularly if you found a deal on taco shells and got them for 10 cents a box. Come to think of it, that is probably why I started serving tacos so often. Everyone loves Taco Sunday, as it's come to be known. Well, maybe not Nate, but everyone else is very excited for Taco Sunday.

It's gotten to the point where my brothers aren't sure if I can cook anything other than tacos. Sure I can, I tell them. I can also make burritos. I think to prove a point next time I'll make something else. Like pot roast or stew, or maybe some tacos.

Why I Don’t Homeschool

I know quite a few people who homeschool. This post isn't about the merits of homeschooling, or in opposition to homeschooling. It's never been something I have considered, but I did think of a list of reasons why it wouldn't be a good idea for me to do.

1. History lessons would consist of letting H watch the History Channel. Since they are now showing shows about loggers and theoretical scenarios involving life after people, I'm not sure how much history H would learn.
   
2. I have been consistently inconsistent with making sure H completes/does her homework for preschool. Pretty certain that doesn't bode well for the possibility of me being her teacher.
   
3. International studies would be completed by watching Ninja Warrior episodes on G4. Hey, it happens in Japan.
   
4. In an ongoing theme, home economics would be taught by Project Runway and Iron Chef America. Why do it yourself when you can get the experts to do it for you? Of course, H tends to critic my plating skills after watching Iron Chef, so maybe that would be a bad idea.
   
5. I suck at math. I really suck at math. I am in no way qualified to teach H math. Excel, yes. Quicken, yes. Budgeting, sort of. But math other than counting? Not so much.
   
6. H and I need a break from each other, otherwise we start to fight. If we were together all the time and I had to teach her school stuff, in addition to all the life skills stuff, I think we would go insane. As it is by the time Brent gets home on Friday night after being gone all week, we're ready to be separated.
   
7. Since I don't really like people, H would be too isolated here at home. The only way she's going to make friends is if she goes somewhere that has a lot of kids her age.
   
8. I really like to buy back to school supplies, and what is the point of buying a princess backpack and lunch box if you don't leave the house?
   
9. Our field trips would consist of going to Wal-Mart to buy groceries. Not too fun, and not too educational, especially considering that sometimes we do fake fighting when we're at the store.
   
10. We have lots of art supplies and crafts, but I am not artistic at all and should not be the one teaching H craft skills.
    
11. H already has awesome computer skills, and can beat older kids at Mario Kart. So the exorbitant amount of time she spends with electronic devices needs to be drastically reduced. Since our house is full of said devices, and people who are always using them, school seems a better bet.
    
12. I am not an athletic person. Exercise around here consists of P90x, which while awesome, is not exactly designed for 4-year-olds. H loves to go to the playground, and I would love for her to go and for me to stay home. Recess anyone?
    
13. Lunch around here is almost always quesadillas. If I get her a lunch pass, that's one more meal I don't have to prepare.
    
14. I bought a whole bunch of supplemental learning supplies to help H learn the alphabet and numbers and colors. The majority of them are still sitting in a pile, since she doesn't really want to go through them, and I don't really want to push her. 'Cause I'm lazy.
    

    
     

    So there you have it. I'm a slacker, but I own it. So as I prepare to throw H on the mercy of the public school system, I hope it works out for her. Because I don't have a backup plan.

On Hair Styles

My main philosophy on hair is that it's just hair. It can be cut. It can grow out. So if a teenager/twentysomething wants to do something crazy with their hair, why not? It's not permanent. That being said, I do have a few thoughts on hair.

Mullets are never a good idea. Never. Never, never, never. Not if you are a woman. Not if you are a man. Not if you are a gym teacher—I had two female gym teachers who had mullets. Still not a good idea.

Product is your friend. Just enough product to help your hair. Mine, sadly, is pretty much impervious to any product and will still do what it wants by the end of the day, but I keep trying.

Unless your mom is a stylist, it's going to look like your mother cut your hair.

Unless you are shaving your head, don't cut your own hair.

If you have the same hairstyle you had in high school, it's probably time for a change. Except me though. My hair has pretty much always been an a-line or bobbed, and I dumped the big bangs a long time ago. But the rest of you, it makes you look dated, and older. And like you work at Wal-Mart.

Personally, I prefer shorter, styled hair for boys and men. I get that the shaggy, just rolled out of bed look is in. And I do understand the appeal. I mean, you don't even need to comb it. This is my brother Ryan.

He gets his hair cut once a year or so. But when you are, I don't know, say 25 and you are trying to get a professional job, that look might just not cut it. And people might mistake you for a homeless guy. Or Jesus.

And colorful streaks in your hair? Sure, when you're a teen. But if you are 40+ and you have bright pink streaks in your hair, you are not fooling anyone honey. It doesn't make you look younger, it makes you look desperate.

Little girls should have hair cuts that make them look like little girls, not little Barbie dolls. H and I have matching haircuts. On me, it looks like an adult cut. On her, it looks like a little girl cut. Gotta love the a-line. Little girls don't need haircuts requiring tons of product and tons of time to get them ready in the morning, making them look like a mini adult. If you want to take tons of time and have pretty braids and bows and whatnot, that's up to you. That's adorable too.

Fashion Notes for Swimmers or Just Say No To Crack

This is not for you skinny size 6ers who can trot around in your bikinis without a second thought. So stop reading.

I think anyone who wants to wear a swim suit should. I think larger gals should be applauded for having the guts to wear a suit and get out and have fun in the sun. However, a bikini might not be the best choice. Especially a string bikini. I'm just saying they don't have a lot of support. Or coverage. Which is why I must applaud the two ladies I saw at the pool today—they had age and size appropriate suits on, they were out in the sun and having a great time.

The pool isn't a fashion parade-it's a place for people to swim. So let's not shoot dirty looks at mommies who are lucky to squeeze into their old maternity suit yet are still game to go to the pool. If it fits, it can float.

We should thank our lucky stars that most men just go with trunks, rather than body hugging Speedos.

The tankini is possibly one of the greatest swim innovations of all time after water wings and swim diapers. You get the convenience of a two-piece, the ability to fit the top and bottom to the right sizes, and you can cover up what you want to. Genius.

Swim skirts are awesome, as are swim shorts. You can skip shaving and cover your butt. They are not just for old ladies any more.

Sun screen is your friend. You young gals might think you need to bare all your skin and get a tan, but time has a way of catching up with you. You will be wrinkled and crone like, with a dermatologist on speed dial.

There is nothing wrong with covering up as much as you can when going to the beach. Rash guards, beach cover ups, floppy hats, sunglasses, capris—these are all good things. They make your time at the beach or pool last longer.

It would be nice if more swim wear were designed with something other than a 20-year-old hottie in mind. Some of us are saggy, baggy, and may not want to show everything off to the world, but would still like to be able to get into the pool.

Manufacturers should immediately stop production of all swim suits for little girls using animal prints, skimpy bikinis, or suits designed to make them look sexy. They are little girls, let them be little. They need one piece suits and tankinis featuring Disney characters and My Little Ponies. And cutesy flip flops, not sandals with heels.

Notes from the Road II

If everything is bigger in Texas, then everything must cost more in California. Stuff on the dollar menu in Vegas is $1.49 here. And $3.99 for a bag of Doritos? Do they contain flecks of gold?

I wish we had a rental car. Ours has old car smell now.

My brain went on vacation without me, and I think it's sipping pina coladas in Waikiki. It would appear Brent's brain joined mine, as he has been forgetting to lock the car, and also left the windows down. Maybe an old man slept in it, and that's where the old car smell came from.

I like staying at the condo, because we have a kitchen and a living area, but I really miss having a maid make the bed every day. And let's not get started on how fast H and I can trash a room. Brent is always shocked by it when we travel with him, which is funny.

Even if the weather is bad, it's nice being anywhere but home.

I stopped buying family members souvenirs from places we go. If they want a spoon or a t-shirt, they can go on their own trip. Although sometimes I will pick up a gift from wherever we are—I used to buy my mom salt and pepper shakers, and now that she's gone I sometimes buy them for my dad. But really, why get someone a memento from some place they didn't go? And I am never hauling home another pineapple from Hawaii again. Sorry Nate.

It doesn't matter where we go, Brent will run into someone he knows. Of course, since he has been to 48 of the 50 states, he does know people almost everywhere we go.

Notes from the Road

Since what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, it wasn't too much of a surprise when the girl at Fazoli's seemed high when taking our order.

Driving down the road we saw a car that had an empty bike rack on the back. A little while later we saw a car that had a full bike rack. Wonder if they were racing for pinks and the first car lost.

Apparently furniture grows along the road in California. Lots of people seemed to be stopping to load them up into their cars. One guy found a table to go with the mattresses that he had already found.

Cars seem to come in two sizes in California—really small and really big. If you had a big enough family to warrant buying a Hummer, wouldn't it be smarter to buy a bus and pick up some paying passengers along the way? I'm just saying.

A guy cut us off to speed through the agricultural checkpoint. After trying to speed thru it, the attendant checked his vehicle thoroughly, which we thought was hilariously funny. Then the guy flipped the attendant off. We were really hoping to see him pulled over further down the road.

I love to travel, but the older I get the worse getting to the destination seems to be. My motion sickness seems to be hitting faster, and my tolerance for lengthy flights or drives is getting shorter.

There is never a Cracker Barrel around when you need one. Like when I wanted some mashed potatoes, and we couldn't find anywhere other than KFC that had mashed potatoes, and I didn't want KFC. So we ended up going to Spoons Bar and Grill and they didn't have mashed potatoes either and the service was ultra slow and West Virginia lost to Duke by 21 points. Not exactly a great evening.

You need to call a timeout on the Punch Dub game when you pass a VW dealership, or someone is going to be black and blue.

If you play a game where you name all the words you can come up with that start with a letter and you pick the letter D, it is inevitable that the 4-year-old will come up with damn, dork, and dick.

The I Spy game can incite violence.

It is an empty threat to tell a 4-year-old if they don't go potty before leaving the mall that you will make them hold it all the way to San Diego if they need to pee 5 minutes down the road.

Floaty wings are awesome, because you don't actually have to get in the pool with your kid if you don't want to.

Making an Excel spreadsheet to track costs associated with vacation is practical, but a bit of a downer when it comes to relaxing. Fortunately, Brent is an Excel expert.

Earthquakes can make you nauseous.

Fashion Questions

I am not a fashionista by any sense of the word. The major portion of my wardrobe consists of jeans and t-shirts, with the occasional foray into velour sweats. So I am not speaking with any authority on fashion as I ask these questions.

I detest jumpers. If you are not a little girl, or a teenager in private school, they make you look frumpy. I ask you, when was the last time you saw a supermodel wearing a jumper? I admit, I own one. It's a maternity jumper, and I wore it when I was pregnant, under protest due to my feelings about jumpers.

I'm fine with layering-I do it myself from time to time, but I don't get putting a tank top or a halter top over a t-shirt. If you are concerned about modesty, what is wrong with just wearing the t-shirt? You pretty much look stupid wearing a t-shirt under your tank top. I'm just saying. I don't have an objection to wearing a tank top or a t-shirt under a shirt that is too low, or too short.

Flip flops are not dress wear. They do not support your feet. It seems like people wear them when it doesn't really make sense, like in the winter. Then you step in a pile of snow and your feet get cold. And what's with wearing shorts in the winter?

If you have a big butt, you shouldn't wear pants that have something written across the butt. You don't need to call attention to that area, and trust me, no one wants to read it. And no low ride pants or a tramp stamp either.

If you have kids, you are probably too old to wear a t-shirt with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on it.

If you are still wearing clothes you wore in high school, and you just had your 20 year class reunion, it's time to go shopping.

Crocs are ugly. I have a pair. I love them. You'll pry them off my cold dead feet. But I don't wear them to church, business meetings, or fancy parties.

Back in my day, if your bra strap was showing that was considered a fashion faux pas. I know that it's been the style to have your bra strap, or even most of your bra showing, but really, we don't want to see that.

It is possible to buy pants that don't show your butt crack. Or your underpants. I'm just saying.

Men, they have this nifty clothing item called a belt. It is used to hold up your pants. That way we don't see your boxers, and your pants don't fall down.

Little girls should be dressed like little girls, not miniature street walkers. That's means animal prints are out, shorty shorts, tight skirts and halter tops. Little girls have no business with strappy heels. They do not need skimpy bikinis. They need cute dresses, t-shirts, and pants. With Hello Kitty on them, or something.

Things I Hate--Food Edition

I hate Chinese Food. Hate it. The only thing I like is fortune cookies.

Rice. Bleck. Any form, other than rice krispie treats is nasty. Especially rice pudding.

Tuna fish. I'd have to be pretty desperate to eat tuna. For that matter, I don't like seafood.

Velveeta cheese. Sorry, but to me it will always be fish bait.

Bolonga. Worst sandwich meat ever.

American cheese--why couldn't we have gotten a good cheese, like havarti or muenster?

Beef stroganoff. Just thinking about it makes me want to hurl.

Chicken enchilada casserole. Not chicken enchiladas--they are delicious. My mom used to make a disgusting casserole with chicken, enchilada sauce and nacho cheese Dorritos.

Nacho cheese Doritos. Love the Ranch ones.

Plain milk.

Veggie burgers at McDonalds. Most of the menu at McDonalds, actually.

Hot dogs.

Boxed macaroni and cheese.

Pot noodle-cup of noodle soup, ramen, etc.

That Girl Scout cookies are only available once a year.

Venison.

Now that I'm looking at this list, most of the foods on it, other than mac and cheese, were stuff I hated during my childhood. And I still hate them now.

Broccoli.

Most fruits unless in smoothie form.

Spam.

Corned beef hash.

I'm sure there's more, but at the moment I can't think of any.

My Thoughts on Pageants

I confess, I like watching pageants. I have never competed in a pageant, never really wanted to compete in a pageant, and count myself lucky that my daughter has no desire to be in a pageant. But I find them interesting and amusing, and the whole point of the pageant is to be judged, and I do like to judge. This year I watched the Miss America pageant, as usual, but this time with friends and family instead of just Brent. And since we have a DVR we were able to back it up to see when someone stumbled or stepped on their dress, and to determine whether or not Miss Nebraska had a belly button. I still say she didn't.

I have attended two local pageants this year, and I can honestly say that a lot of the quality of the pageant has got to be due to a pageant director who keeps focused and keeps everyone on task. One went really well, the other was pretty much a train wreck. The train wreck was a lot more fun to watch, I might add.

Friends and family of girls who can’t sing should be horsewhipped for not preventing their friend from performing in a pageant when it is obvious they would make it into the joke footage of American Idol.

Worst rendition of Take A Chance On Me ever, including the one in the movie!She didn’t place, by the way.

The entertainment during the competition was fine, but what was the deal in dressing up little girls as hoochies/hookers? thigh highs and animal print?And booty shaking? Little girls don't have booties to shake.

And the older dance company that performed—hot pants are not flattering on everyone. Even pink hot pants. Especially pink hot pants. And there was more booty shaking.

One contestant did a martial arts demonstration with a bo staff. That was awesome. I really wanted her to win. She didn't.

I really wish that a pageant contestant would come out, plug in an electric guitar and play “Smoke On the Water”. That would be the coolest thing ever. Well, the coolest thing ever to happen at a pageant.

What happened to the Miss Congeniality award? Maybe none of the contestants were nice so they didn’t award one.

I would feel sorry for the girls having to parade around the stage in swim suits and high heels, except they knew what they were getting into.

You can tell you’re in Utah when every girl is wearing a one-piece bathing suit.

You can tell who doesn’t have a dance talent pretty easily.

If you wear a modest evening gown you probably won’t win.

If you don’t have a talent, don’t compete. If you can play an instrument, sing, dance, or do something awesome—that’s okay. In fact, the unusual talents are sometimes quite enjoyable. You probably won’t make it to Miss America, but your town will love you.

It’s wise to get judges from out of town to judge the pageant. Long evening gowns are in, and the sparklier the better. However, most likely your prom dress will not work as an evening gown. And just say no to the hoop skirt. And you might want to consider going commando, because you're going to get marked down for that panty line.

Giving the tech people a copy of your program is wise. Sticking to the program you came up with is also wise, unless you want a train wreck. I like a good train wreck.

If the microphones don't work, no one can hear you. Which, judging by some of the questions and answers, that might be a good thing. Especially if your answer involves Haiti and yammering on for more than a couple of minutes.

The most talented girl isn't always the one who wins. At one pageant I attended recently the first runner up presented a video of playing softball for her talent. I can just see her visiting a rest home, trying to throw the ball to the residents to hit. Doesn't really scream entertainment value to me.

I really tried to make sense of the judging criteria for the pageants, but I don't see how a swim suit competition shows physical fitness. If they really want to see who is physically fit they should make the contestants do an obstacle course or climb a rope. Or hit each other with the giant q-tips they had on American Gladiator, and last one standing is the winner.

At Miss America this year they let the contestants vote for one girl to make the final 15. I say throw a crown in the middle of a mud pile and see who gets a hold of it and they make it to the next round.