What No One Tells You About Being PTA President Part II

People Are Always Thanking You

People kept thanking me for all the stuff PTA did for the school. The problem was, I felt (and still feel) like I was the worst PTA President that our school has ever had. I cancelled quite a few programs, made a few decisions without any input, and basically did the minimum that I could get away with. I felt so phony when people would thank me.

You Are the Backup

If someone doesn’t show up for something, the President has to either find someone else to do it or fill in herself. This is how I ended up running a book fair, putting together teacher wish lists, and attempting to scale back the amount of prizes we handed out to students.

You Never Know What is a Sacred Cow

The previous year our PTA had 6 t-shirt options, two of which I personally thought were hideous. The t-shirt committee of myself and one volunteer made the decision to sell off what we had left and only order one t-shirt style and one zip up jacket style. No one complained directly to me, but I heard about it from the previous board. It appeared that anytime I made a decision someone didn’t agree with it and would complain. But never to me, making me wonder how many people were upset with it, and how many people didn’t care.
Burnout

My daughters school is a great school, and the principal and staff were fairly easy to work with. I have friends who had much worse experiences than I did, and I thanked my lucky stars that I didn’t have to deal with those issues. What we all have in common is we are not volunteering for any PTA positions the following year. We’re actually moving to a brand new school that has a brand new, as of yet not set-up PTA, and I have no intention of signing up to do anything other than occasionally helping in the classroom. I know that I have valuable experience that could help out the new PTA, but I also know that I cannot handle another year of being in charge of anything.

Dumpster Diving

You will do anything for Box Tops. I have actually boosted my kid into recycling bins to grab Box Tops off of cereal boxes. I have my family members and neighbors that don’t have kids in school saving Box Tops for me. At church events I will check the garbage can for Box Tops. I pulled Labels for Education out of a campfire. Being PTA President made me realize how little money our schools get to operate, and how desperately we need any source of revenue we can find.

Dealing With Parents

You discover the easiest way to get someone to shut up is to try to get them to head up a committee. Nothing shuts up a parent like asking them to head up Red Ribbon Week. We had students begging us to do a nerd dress up day during anti-bully week, so we did. The kids and teachers loved it. We had the most interesting spread of nerd concepts that I have ever seen, including a second grade boy who thought dressing like a nerd was having his snow pants hanging down like baggy pants. My kid wore a shirt with a picture of Captain Kirk on it that I made her especially for the occasion. By all accounts it was a successful day, other than the parent complaints that started pouring in. None of the complaints related to anyone having made fun of another kid, they were all about “how do you explain what a nerd is to a 7-year-old?” None of the parents who complained had ever attended a PTA meeting, no one expressed any concerns about the dress up concept until after it happened. And none of these parents took us up on our offers to come to the meetings and discuss things directly, or be involved in planning the next dress up concept.

The next year we tried to make sure no one could get upset about anything, and then the parents complained that the dress up days were too repetitive and not creative enough! And they still didn’t come to meetings, or give any helpful feedback.

What No One Tells You About Being PTA President Part I

It Doesn't Sound That Hard

Last Spring I made a fateful decision that I eventually regretted. In my defense, I was in Hawaii at the time, and in such a relaxed state that it seemed that anything was possible. What was the decision? I decided I would be take on the position as President of the PTA at my daughters school. There were two reasons that I had considered it, the first being that I really believe that the PTA enhances the student experience, and the second being that no one was willing to take the job. My husband thought I could handle it, so I sent an email off to the current president stating that if no one was willing to do the job that I would do it.

Perhaps the fact that no one was willing to do this job should have given me a clue.

The Past Becomes Precedent

I recruited some helpers for school registration day, the day where you try to hustle people to volunteer for unfilled positions, join PTA and sell Spirit Wear. I was prepared for that. I wasn’t prepared for the fact that our PTA apparently provides lunch for the school staff working that day. Luckily our Treasurer was prepared and took care of it.

During Back To School Night I was informed that the PTA always gives each teacher a big container of hand sanitizer. This would have been nice to know about earlier in the summer so I could have ordered this and not ended up scouring every Wal-Mart across the county to get enough bottles. Also, why the crap is the PTA supplying hand sanitizer to the teachers? Shouldn’t the principal make sure his staff has the supplies they need to do their jobs? I was also handed a list of teachers who needed floor fans for their rooms. It turned out that last year the PTA had purchased a few fans for teachers who had extremely hot rooms during the last few weeks of school, and it morphed into the PTA supplying fans for everyone. A few months later I even got a request to replace someone’s fan that was broken! Half of our teacher appreciation budget was spent before school even started.

I learned that if you do something once, the expectation comes that you will do it every time.

Tranquilizers are a PTA Presidents Best Friend

After a series of unfortunate events, including an exploding casserole dish, a leaking disposal and a complete inability to focus, I found myself in my doctors office, crying as I explained that I just couldn’t handle things anymore. I rarely cry, and this was only three weeks into the school year. The doctor suggested that maybe someone else should be the president, and I sobbed as I explained that no one was willing to do it and I was stuck with it. I left his office with a prescription for two anti-depressants and a tranquilizer. Without those meds, I don’t think I would have made it through the year. I was able to stop panic attacks from coming, and just chill out. This was especially handy the day that I found out the book fair chairperson was on a trip to Disneyland and I needed to run the book fair. I managed to get through that without it being a major fiasco.

Several of our local Presidents ended up on medication. I think it takes a certain type of person to handle this job without cracking up, and it turns out that I am not that person.

You Start Sneaking into School the Back Way

I got to a point during the school year that I would bypass the office when I went into the school because I was tired of getting bombarded with requests to fund things or provide volunteers for something. I even considered getting putting on a disguise.

Advance Notice? Hah

“By the way, vision screening is tomorrow. You need to get 8 parent volunteers.” “Picture day is tomorrow, we need 3 volunteers.” These are things that had dates planned in advance, and if I had been given these dates in advance I wouldn’t have had to scramble at the last minute for volunteers.

People Avoid You

All of a sudden people don’t answer the phone when you call and turn the other way when they see you coming. It’s like they know that you’re going to ask them to chair the school carnival or run Anti-Bully Week.

You Need a Smartphone

I don’t see how anyone did this job before the iPhone. It didn’t take me long to figure out that if it wasn’t in my phone calendar with notifications set, it wasn’t going to happen. Facebook is the fastest and easiest way to get last minute volunteers and make announcements. Text messaging was invaluable as a means of communication. Seriously, how did people do this job before Smartphone?

Miss America 2014 Already?

First of all, didn’t we just do this a few months ago?

Secondly, after the extremely weird shoe parade I have decided Miss Kansas gets my vote, for rocking her uniform and combat boots when all the other girls were wearing heels (and weird ugly heels at that). Also, it’s rotten she didn’t get to do archery as her talent. That would have been the best talent ever! The best part of Miss Kansas was that she was herself through the whole pageant, tattoos and all. Probably has something to do with being in the military.

As usual, most of the introductory statements were stupid. Except Miss DC who joked about listening to phone calls and Miss South Carolina who cracked a mobile home joke. At least Miss Utah didn’t mention the Osmonds or our high birth rate, again.

So here we are back in Atlantic City, which is where the pageant always was when I was a kid. So why is it airing so late at night if it’s back on Eastern Time? My kid isn’t going to get to bed until after 10:00!

And how awesome is it that the current Miss America posts pictures on SnapChat of her without makeup and is upfront about the fact that she has gained weight while traveling and that she is no longer following the crazy pageant diet.

It is nuts that Miss Florida is still competing after tearing her ACL during practice while twirling batons. So unfair they don’t let them do fire batons. If she wins I bet she ends up needing surgery. And only 11 girls in Alaska competed for Miss Alaska, and they all got at least one year of school paid for. So that’s pretty cool.

Miss Marylands evening gown was my favorite. It was white and sparkly and had a train and covered the essentials! And the sexy Belle gown, it was a fail. Belle would never wear that. Sorry Miss New York, I hated your gown.

I don’t get wearing a midriff baring shirt with a fancy skirt for talent, it was too distracting. If the top had been two inches longer we would have paid more attention to your singing and less to your belly. In fact, it was so distracting I forgot which contestant it was!

My favorite part of the pageant is how Miss New York is never paying attention when her name gets called and is always genuinely surprised that she is moving on. She did a traditional Indian dance for her talent, and it was definitely our favorite talent of the night. So fun to watch.

Miss Kansas is a butt kicking beauty queen. She had to switch talents five weeks before the pageant because they have a rule about projectiles (she was going to do archery). So she learned an opera song from You Tube. I wanted her to win and was really bummed when she didn’t move on.

I’d rather watch Irish Dancing than clogging any day of the week.

Miss Texas sang jazz, which was a refreshing change from show tunes.

Miss Florida twirled 3 batons on a torn ACL. Loved the bedazzled knee brace, and she made it to 3rd runner up. $15,000 in scholarship money isn’t too bad.

My favorite answer to a question was Miss Minnesota, who took a stand on marriage that probably isn’t popular, and may have cost her the crown, but she owned it.

There is no way the questions were evenly matched, as a question about Miley Cyrus twerking is in no way equal to questions on Syria or income disparity among minorities. And poor Miss Florida ran out of time trying to answer her question.

The worst outfit choice of the entire pageant was Miss America 2013’s final gown. It looked like a dress that an Egyptian Pharoah would wear, and the cut out in the front made her boobs looked squished, and the bare midriff was not only distracting it called attention to her waist in an unflattering way. Maybe the fact that she’s getting gypped in her reign by only being Miss America for a few months made her not care about her outfit.

When it got down to the final two contestants I decided I wanted Miss New York to win. Even though her evening gown was the worst out of the contestants, her talent was fabulous. Plus I was hoping she wouldn’t realize her name got called and that would be funny.

It turns out that for me to be at my snarky finest I need an actual keyboard (not my ipad keyboard) and some snarky friends. Unfortunately my pageant peeps were unable to come over tonight, so it was just me and Brent, and we tried to keep the snark in check because we were watching with our 8-year-old daughter, being careful to point out the ridiculousness of a fitness portion of the pageant which was really just about how you looked in your swimsuit. And it is a fine line to walk because while I love watching pageants, I do not want my kid to ever be in one.

Trash Can Redux

After hosing down the trash can multiple times, using vinegar and baking soda, and bleach twice, there is still a lingering smell of decomp on my trash can! Luckily my trash can is broken, so I am working on getting the city to get us a replacement one. The good news is that it isn't nearly as potent as it was, and I really think if I give it a peppermint oiling I could get rid of the smell for good. I just haven't gotten the peppermint oil upstairs yet. I will probably do that Thursday, so after trash pickup Friday I'll give it a whirl and see what happens. No maggots have returned.

Why I Googled "There is Decomp In My Trash Can"

I am probably on some government watch list somewhere due to my Google history. And it's my own fault. I bought too much meat at the store and needed to clear some room in the deep freezer, so I went thru it and tossed anything that had a date of several years ago on it, or looked freezer burnt. This included lots of meat. Unfortunately, this was on a Friday afternoon, and trash pickup is Friday morning. By Tuesday the garbage can reeked. It practically had wavy stench lines above it, so I moved it out to the curb so we wouldn't have to smell it when opening the garage door. By Thursday you could smell it from the street. On Friday, after trash pick up, I went out to deal with it, figuring I would hose it down with some soap and water and it would be fine. Alas, there were maggots crawling all over the inside of the can, and at the bottom was some sort of gray sludgy mess that was teaming with disgusting little critters. After dry heaving, I went back inside and started Googling. Due to my years of watching crime shows, I recognized the smell of decomp, and I knew that's why there was an infestation of maggots in my trash can. I was also pretty certain bleach would take care of the problem, but I wanted to double check. So I googled "There is Decomp in my trash can" and discovered that I am not alone in my stupidity, and that there is a whole town dealing with this issue because their trash pickup went to bi-weekly rather than weekly. Gross. After doing about five minutes of research, as I had one hour before I had to get to a PTA meeting, two hours before I had to go to a parents day at my kids day camp, and three hours before leaving for camping, I went out and hosed down the can, enough to get all the maggoty critters into the bottom. I then added what bleach we had, which wasn't much, in order to kill the little grimy critters. Then I dry heaved some more, went inside and showered. Then I basically had a break down because I didn't have time to deal with this mess, and my husband volunteered to deal with the can. So off I went to shower, and he rinsed out the can, dumping the maggoty mess into the gutter on the advice of the neighbor. He said the can no longer smelled. I went out and smelled it, dry heaved some more, and went off to my meeting, had a panic attack, came home and discovered the can still stunk. I then dumped four boxes of baking soda (3 from the fridge and freezer and one new one from the pantry) into the can, hauled it out to the curb so the neighbors didn't have to smell it, and left for day camp and camping. Three days later the can still smelled, although not as much. So I dumped a gallon of vinegar into it, making the worlds largest baking soda volcano, and let it sit for awhile. Then I rinsed it out. The smell of decomp was still there, although considerably lessened. I then dumped almost a gallon of bleach all over the trash can, and let it sit for a few hours. Alas, the decomp smell remains, although considerably lessened. At the moment I have some dryer sheets that were soaked in bleach sticking to the sides of the can, and a small cup of bleach sitting in the can, in addition to the garbage. I will see how the can smells after garbage day this week, and plan to try some peppermint essential oil to get ride of the smell. It worked the time I left raw chicken in the microwave for several months. Time will tell if we need a replacement can or not.

Fun with Essential Oils

Every so often I play with essential oils, the hazards of being an Aromatherapist. I have made some crazy concoctions, and some that are pretty fabulous. Today I let H make her own bath salts, and after having her smell various essential oils and fragrance oils, she came up with Cranberry Sweet Orange, a bath salt that is marginally medicinal, but boy does it smell good. Her friend ended up making Cranberry Sweet and chose yellow food coloring for the color. I also made some Lavender Vanilla as a sleep formula, mainly because I had an old jar from Bath and Body Works that had Lavender Vanilla on the label, and that way I could just reuse it. I made Lavender Sandalwood as another relaxing blend, and let me tell you the sandalwood balances out the lavender wonderfully. Then I started thinking about how bath products are mainly geared to girls, which makes sense because most men I know wouldn't admit to taking a nice soak in the tub even if they did it. But I know little boys like to take bubble baths and play with bath paints, and they often gets bumps and bruises. Especially my little nephew Taz (not his real name), who really could use a punch card at the ER where he gets a free visit after five. So I created my Boys Will Be Boys Blend, which is 3 drops of Lavender, 3 drops of Cypress, 3 drops of Lemongrass, 3 drops of Frankincense, 2 drops of geranium. I might have to increase the lemongrass, as it is a not so great smelling blend, but is great for bruising and swelling, and let's face it, boys will be boys, and they will bruise, bump, and bleed. For added measure I'm adding some Complete Tissue and Bone Powder from the Dr. Christopher product line, as that is possibly the most fabulous herbal combination ever. And the flecks of brown look cool in the bath salts. As it's geared for little boys I'm going to color it blue, then the trick will be getting some little testers to tell me how it goes.

Why I Still Don't Homeschool

I have a couple of neighbors who are homeschooling. This post is not about the merits of homeschooling vs. public school, although I will say that there are cases where homeschooling is the best fit for the child, but in a few cases I've seen the kids are begging to go back to school. H is now in second grade, and I still think that public school is the way to go for us. And here's why:

1. H and I need a break from each other. If we don't get that 6 hour break that school provides us, we fight. It isn't pleasant for any of us.

2. If she didn't have to get up and go to school, she would sleep in half the day and never get out of her pajamas. I know this because while my body forces me to get out of bed, I am often in my pajamas unless it is a day I am volunteering at the classroom.

3. Social skills. As an only child, H needs all the help with social skills she can get. And she likes people.

4. It is fun to volunteer in the classroom. You get to see what your kid is like at school, you get to know the other kids, and the kids are excited to see you. Plus this curries favor with the teacher.

5. I still suck at math and science. I can't teach those things to H.

6. I suck at teaching H anything that isn't related to Star Wars. And much like I don't like learning things from my husband, H doesn't like learning things from me.

7. Seeing how your kid compares to the rest of the class helps eliminate "special snowflake syndrome" when you find out while your kid is advanced in one subject, she is average in another.

8. It is still fun to buy school supplies, and even more fun to be the class hero when you supply whiteboard markers for the whole class.

9. If you suffer from a lack of follow thru, like most of us, homeschooling is not for you. I know someone who said her mom had an issue with the school system, so she pulled her kid out of high school yet never actually bought a curriculum or anything. I think eventually she got her GED. We attempt to do summer homeschooling in the summer, it lasts about a week and then we just give up.

10. The best way to learn how to deal with peer pressure is to experience it.

11. Class parties are really fun, and it doesn't matter what you do, the kids love it.

12. I think it would break H's heart to see all the kids going to school while she has to stay home with me.

13. If you put your kid in public school and then volunteer, you are helping to make the school, the community, and the world a better place.

On Grief

It is so hard to lose a loved one, but around the holidays seems especially hard. Everyone around you is celebrating, and your world just ended. I personally can't think of anything worse than someone saying "Merry Christmas" to you when you are making funeral plans. What set me off was seeing a friend's Facebook status about a recent loss. Someone posted in their comments that they made sure to add this poor family to their caroling list. The last thing that family needs is a group of happy people showing up at their house to sing holiday songs for them. What that family needs is to be left alone, with visitors who are close family and friends who mourn with them. So here is my guide to mourning with those who mourn.

First of all, do not buy them a plant. About a month or two after the funeral, that stupid plant is going to die, and it's not helpful for the healing process to have a stupid death plant laying around. I didn't keep any of the live plants we got when my mom died, I gave them all to family who can actually keep a plant alive.

Do not say it was their loved ones time to go. Even if it was, that's not a comforting thing to hear. Let them come to that realization on their own. It's been over 3 years since my mom died, going on 4, and I'm only now accepting that it may have been my mothers time. There were a lot of signs that we just didn't see, because we didn't want to accept it. I still don't.

Say something like "I am so sorry for your loss." The best thing anyone said to me when my mom died was my neighbor, who was quite a bit older than me. She said "I remember how hard that was." Yes, she got it. She had been there. If you haven't lost a parent, a child, or a sibling, you do not know exactly how that person is feeling. Even if you have lost someone, you still don't know how that person is feeling. I was mad as hell when my mom died, and my friend (whose mother was actually the midwife who delivered H) lost her mom a few months later. Her outlook was completely the opposite of mine. So don't say "I know exactly how you feel." You don't.

Think about your relationship with the mourner before you go visit them. They don't need everyone in the neighborhood or church group over at their house. If you are not super close, just go to the viewing. Even better, wait a month and then go and visit them. Everyone comes over in the first week, when things are hectic with funeral planning, notification, and sometimes out and out shock because this came out of nowhere. But a month down the road, everyone else seems to have moved on, and those who have experienced a loss are still floundering, and alone.

Donate money to the family to help pay for the funeral. My mother's funeral cost us around $12,000, and I downgraded the casket because I knew she wouldn't like any of the ones in the price package we were being shown. If a family is struggling financially, anything can help. Did you know you have to pay the funeral home before your loved one gets transported to the cemetery?

Take food over, but take good food. If it's something the family can make themselves--even the grief stricken can open up a can of beef stew or order pizza delivery--maybe you'd better rethink it. Horrible food can make a bad situation even worse. And don't bring over spaghetti, or anything containing spaghetti. And a watermelon isn't dinner, so please bring something else.

If the family has lost a child, be extra sensitive. When my sister Heather was stillborn, people said some of the most insensitive things. My mother never fully recovered from that loss, and honestly, neither did I. I still can't think about my little sister, that I never knew, for long without breaking down in tears.

Don't tell someone it was God's will. It's hard enough not to rail at God for allowing someone to die, much less consider the idea that He did it on purpose. Someone told me God needed my mother more than we did. That person is lucky I didn't punch them in the face. How could He need my mom more than my dad, my siblings, her grandkids did? My youngest brother was on a mission when she died. Did God need my mother more than my little brother needed stability at home so he could stay focused on the work in the mission field?

Watch out for the health of those who are grieving. My dad is a diabetic, and he required some close monitoring to make sure he was eating right and taking his insulin. And if you know someone in the house is diabetic, don't bring desserts over.

The most helpful thing someone did for us when my mom died was dropping off a deli meat and cheese platter and a bag of rolls. It made it easy to grab something fast, and it was helpful to have protein around.

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It occurs to me that I'm still fairly bitter about my mothers death. My earliest memories are of my grandmother who died when I was 3 years old. I know what it's like to grow up without both grandmas. I have seen my brothers grow up have no memories of their paternal grandmother. My daughter doesn't really remember my mother, she only knows her through stories. My nephews will never know their grammy.

Grief is blinding.

My aunt, whose husband drowned during a family river trip, on the 4th of July , told me that some years are easier, and some holidays are easier than others. Sometimes Easter is easy to get through, and Halloween makes you want to crawl under the covers and never come out. She was right.

Restaurant Rant

So tonight we went to Hires Big H, which has to be one of the best hamburger joints in Utah. The main reason was because I was craving a root beer freeze and cheese fries, and no, I'm not pregnant so don't ask. Being that we're in Utah, and that its November, it's no surprise that the rain turned to snow. So I had very little sympathy for the chick at the restaurant who was wearing a tube top. We get snow from October to June at random. Tube tops are not a wise wardrobe choice here. Sweaters and boots, that's what you want. And if you are stupid enough to wear said tube top in the snow, you don't have any room to complain about being cold.

On a different topic, if you are a parent potty training a little boy, you really should wipe the seat off after your little spawn of satan...er little guy piddles all over it. I mean, it's really irritating and disgusting to be the next person to use the can if there is pee on it. And maybe the little guy should sit down for his business if he's using the ladies room. Or lift the seat if he must stand.

Also, if you are a waitress, unless you are working at Hooters wearing jeans low enough to show off your thong isn't going to get you a bigger tip. Seriously, they sell belts for ladies.

This is Halloween

What has happened to Halloween? Back when I was a kid (you know, when we were walking uphill both ways to school, barefoot, over shards of broken glass, just to work geometry with a broken pencil) Halloween was one of the best holidays of the year! Of course, we only had the one day and night to celebrate it, so our parents didn’t get burned out after taking us to three trunk-or-treats and trick-or-treating down main street.

This year H was sick, so she only went and trick-or-treated a few houses. And to be fair, she doesn’t really like candy, so the high point of our Halloween was playing Infamous Festival of Blood, which is awesome, albeit really short. Brent took her to about five houses, then she came in and had some Papa Murphy’s jack-o-lantern pizza (our Halloween tradition since the year dinner got burned up while I was trying to cook and hand out candy at the same time), and then I took her out and we hit another five houses. We walked past around 15 houses, as most of them had their lights off.

Brent had an old man moment when we realized that a lot of trick-or-treaters were skipping our house because the porch light was off, even though the pumpkins were lit. Back in the day if the pumpkins were lit it meant they were open for business. I did suggest to Brent that he go out and yell at the kids to get off his lawn.

I got annoyed with the fact that I had one more pumpkin to carve, so I carved a stupid face on it and stabbed it with my sheetrock saw, which has been an awesome tool for cutting into pumpkins. Usually I go all out on my jack-o-lanterns, but honestly this year I feel like I just called it in. I was going to do some really awesome pumpkins, but my wrist hurt so I didn’t really try. I did make an Edward Cullen pumpkin, and a snot shooting pumpkin, and H designed her very first pumpkin, and carved most of it herself.

Brent got into a car accident at the beginning of the month, so he didn’t feel good enough to decorate the front yard. I had foot surgery in September, and then had a bad reaction to a prescription, so I didn’t feel like decorating the house. I didn’t even dig out H’s trick or treat pumpkin, so she had to use a gift bag. We did manage to take her to the ward Halloween party, and she got to play some carnival games and trunk or treat. The party gave me a migraine, so I spent half of it in the foyer, and the other half in the Durango.

Back to my original rant, we had hardly any trick-or-treaters this year! I spent almost $30 on candy this year, candy bars even, and we have about 4 bags of it left. At least I only bought stuff that we like this year, so we shouldn’t run out of Hershey bars or Kit Kats any time soon.

I read the other day how many towns are legislating that Halloween be celebrated on last Saturday of October. As a parent, I can see the value in this. Of course, as a parent I can also see value in trunk-or-treats and trick-or-treating down main street. But as a parent, and neighbor, I like having the neighborhood kids dress up in costumes and stop by my house. I like giving H’s friends extra candy, and seeing how the kids grow. I also like keeping an informal tally of popular costumes—this year it seemed like there were a lot of Bumblebee’s from Transformers. Surprisingly, I didn’t see a lot of Rapunzels, and H was the only Darth Vader that we saw, although her friend Joey was dressed as Yoda.

I Will Always Remember

Brent and I got married on September 9, 1994. I remember what we have done for most of our anniversaries, but I have no idea what we did for our 7^th anniversary.

Like every American I remember where I was when the Twin Towers fell. I had hit the snooze alarm more times than I should have, and was going to be late for work. Brent's dad called the house to see if Brent was home, and was extremely relieved to find out that he wasn't traveling that day. Then he told us to go turn on the tv. All I remember of that week is watching CNN and being in a state of shock.

We've been married for 17 years, and it's the ten year anniversary of 9/11. It's hard to be excited about celebrating our anniversary when the entire nation is focused on a life changing event. Brent was home that day, but he travels most of the time. For years I have lived with the possibility of Brent not making it home from a trip, and I am relieved each time I get a text from him letting me know he arrived safely.

This has been one of the hardest blog posts to write, because I keep tearing up. Since going on my antidepressants after my mom died, I hardly cry. But I don't know anyone, even Cylons like myself, who doesn't get emotional when seeing footage, photographs, or reading articles about 9/11. On September 14^th I ended up spending most of the day at my chiropractors office, as I had a terrible headache and was in a lot of pain. He told me he'd seen people who had been hit by trucks who were in better shape than I was. If I, who was out in Utah and not in any imminent danger, could internalize that much stress, how hard was it (and is it) for those who survived the attacks or who lost loved ones?

The world changed on 9/11, and it's never been the same since. There is so much more I'd like to say, but emotionally I can't handle it right now. So I'll just say God Bless America.

Doh!

I spent a good portion of last summer working on the perfect mac and cheese recipe, and I have no idea where it is right now, and I'm going to have to start over and I'm not pleased.

Too Soon

School starts in less than 20 days. I'm not ready. It took me until April to get used to H being gone for half a day. This year she'll be gone all day, and I really don't want her to go. However, since I really don't want to home school her (that would be a fiasco) I guess I'm going to have to suck it up and deal. And perhaps up my Prozac.

Summer Dreams Don't Mean A Thing

Okay, I really am not a fan of Grease, but I couldn't resist that title.

We have 19 days until school starts. Most of our summer we have wasted...er spent playing video games. I can just imagine what H will say when the first grade teacher asks what she did this summer: I spent the summer beating Infamous and Infamous 2 on the PS3. The other kids will be all talking about camping, Disneyland, swimming, and my kid will be rambling on about Cole and all the bad guys she got to fight.

We have managed to go bowling, we have gone to a couple of movies, but we haven't run away to the swimming pool yet, and we were planning to make a geocache, and it looks like that ain't going to happen. And for the third year in a row we didn't garden or paint the doorframe on the deck. Maybe next year...

Fiesta Days 2011

I look forward to Fiesta Days in Spanish Fork all year long. For anyone not familiar with Fiesta Days, it is the town celebration for Spanish Fork, Utah. It's held over the 24^th of July weekend, which is also Pioneer Day here in Utah. There's a rodeo, carnival, craft show, parades, and everything else that goes along with a town celebration. We even have a fish rodeo, where kids catch fish with their bare hands.

The funnel cake stand at Fiesta Days has the best funnel cakes I have ever had, and I have tried funnel cakes all over the United States. This particular stand puts pudding and whipped cream, and chocolate syrup on top of the funnel cakes.

There is a pulled pork sandwich stand that possibly sells the best pulled pork available in Utah, if not the Western US. And there is another booth that sells tri-tip steak sandwiches that has a line worth waiting in.

Usually the Fiesta Days Grand Parade is a really fun parade. This year, not so much. To start with, the powers that be, aka the Spanish Fork City Council, decided that people in the parade could not throw candy. So almost every child who was attending the parade was disappointed, and bored. My niece and nephew ended up fighting through most of the parade, because they didn't have candy to scramble for.

I went to Spanish Fork High, and it pains me to say this, but what happened to the SFHS marching band? There were 9 people in the band at the parade. Nine. I don't know if that was all the people who are in the band, or if the bulk of them didn't show up. At any rate, it was rather pathetic and embarrassing. Especially when you compared it to the other high school bands that showed up.

Most of the local royalty were wearing gowns that were a disappointment. The worst dresses, however, were those worn by the Lehi royalty. No sure if they were actually made of khaki, but they didn't look like dresses any self-respecting beauty queen would wear. They looked more like something you would wear if you decided to wear a dress while you plowed the back 20.

I will give the local town royalty a break, and only say that Bob Marley and beauty queens don't really mix. Also, if I never hear Whitewater Chopsticks again it will be too soon.

I would give this year's Fiesta Days a 3 out of 5. The food was great, as usual, the carnival was pretty fun, I'm sure the rodeo was great, but the parade brought the score down. Not sure if I'll go next year.

To Catch a Woman

Because I wrote a post about catching a man, it's only fair that I write one on how to catch a woman.

Bathe frequently. Use deodorant. Daily. Wear clean clothes and do your laundry frequently.

Have a job.

If you have a car, try to keep the interior relatively clean.

Never compare anything your girlfriend/wife/fiancée does to how your mom doesn't it. You will pretty much guarantee yourself that you will never get whatever it was again.

Shave your face. If you must have a mustache or beard, fine, but if it is scruffy and makes you look unkempt, you aren't helping yourself out.

Do not make remarks about how many pairs of shoes she owns. We don't think that's funny.

Remember anniversaries, birthdays, and especially Valentines Day.

If you are on a date, put the blackberry away. Unless you are a doctor or a special ops guy who could be called away on a secret mission at any time, you can go for a couple of hours without checking in. And if you can't, do it in the bathroom.

If your girlfriends eyes start to glaze over while you are blathering on about something, consider changing the conversation and talking about something else.

Spending a lot of money on a girl who really isn't that into you isn't going to make her like you more. In fact, she will think you are a sucker.

If you can't afford lobster, then don't take her to an expensive lobster serving restaurant. It's really okay to stay within your budget. In the long run, most girls are not going to be impressed without your massive visa bill that you racked up trying to impress her, or worse, previous girlfriends.

Just keep your piehole shut about her mother, and don't say rude things about her cooking. If it is awful, be tactful. Saying "this meal tastes like dog crap" is going to hurt her feelings, and make her wonder why you tasted dog crap in the past.

Most chicks don't consider crackers and cheese in a can as fulfilling meal. And ditto for chili cheese dogs.

If you make her watch sports, be prepared to spend time holding her purse in the mall while she shops for more shoes.

If a girl asks you if something makes her look fat, do not give an honest answer, whatever you do.

If you aren't ready for a longtime relationship or a marriage commitment, don't string some poor girl along. At least tell her you aren't into her.

Go ahead and open doors for her. If you occasionally forget, it's not that big of a deal. And when we open our own doors, don't make a big deal out of it.

Try to remember to put the seat down.

Floss. Really.

In the long run, having a hobby other than video games is a plus.

Don't wear white socks with dress pants. Just don't. If you aren't sure of what clothes to buy, ask the salesperson, if you don't have a sister to take you shopping.

Girls like a man who can cook.

Be prepared to pay for dates, but don't make a stink out of it if she insists on buying or paying half.

Remember that looks fade, but stupid is forever.

If she doesn't like football/sci fi/fishing now, odds aren't good that she will like them any more after you're married.

When a woman is telling you about her problems, she doesn't always want you to fix them. If you want to solve the problem, ask her if she wants a solution before you offer it.

Adventures in BBQing 1

Finally summer is here! Sort of. It's still raining, hailing, and occasionally snowing. But in theory, summer is here and it is time to break out the bbq and have some tasty food! Yes, technically I have a gas grill. So we're not really bbq-ing, we're grilling, but here in Utah we really don't care about terminology. And, to be fair, a lot of times we don't really care about taste, just quantity. And if you've been to some of our ward summer parties, you know what I'm talking about. Tons of over-cooked, under-seasoned hamburger patties, charred hot dogs, and various salads that may or may not have been sitting in the sun too long. Unless you go to my dads wards summer party. They have the best chicken, Nauulu (nah-ooh-loo) chicken. The last name of the family who makes it is Naulu. They are from Samoa. Mmm boy howdy is it good. How good? So good I will put the recipe right here. To make it hotter, add more peppers. They makes tons of marinade, 5 gallon buckets full, and my mouth is watering just thinking about that chicken.

Naulu Chicken:

Chicken breasts

Equal parts sugar, soy sauce and water

To taste:

Fresh ginger, grated

Garlic clove, chopped

Dash of sesame oil

 

Marinate chicken in sauce for several hours.

 

I try to be good at grilling, but honestly, it's not my forte. However, due to the amount of time I spend watching Foot Network, I persist in my quest to make something that is truly excellent on my grill. Tonight I am trying BBQed chicken. I have made actual, tasty, not overcooked or raw chicken before. Just not recently. In fact, we often eat burnt offering for dinner. But I have good feelings about tonight! For one, I am cooking slowly on low heat, and two, I am timing the chicken, and three, I am not putting any sauce on it until the chicken is cooked. So we'll see. I'm also trying (sort of) a recipe Grilled Yukon Potatoes that I found on Food Network.com. I say sort of, because I didn't have any fresh thyme, so I used dried Rosemary. We'll see how that goes. I have also printed off recipes for bacon wrapped asparagus, and grilled pizza. We'll see how our Adventures In BBqing goes.

Worst Advice Ever Given

The worst book I have ever read in my life is Helen Andelin's "Facinating Girl." To be fair, I haven't read "Fascinating Woman", for tips on keeping your man happy once you catch him, or her books on parenting. Frankly, after reading the drivel/crap that filled "Fascinating Girl", I'm a little frightened about reading Andelin's parenting advice.

I read this book because a friend told me about it. She says that sometimes she and her husband pick up the book, read a random passage, and laugh and make fun of it. I had to see if it was truly as bad as she said. It was worse. The truly shocking thing about this book is that it has been reprinted several times, including the last few years. This was written in the 60's, during the time women were beginning to burn their bras and realized there was more to life than cooking, cleaning, and handing hubby slippers and newspaper when he gets home from work. Andelin's writing sets women's lib back at least a century, if not longer.

She recommends that women don't try to excel in subjects that are considered male oriented, such as math or science. She warns her readers against competing with men for academic honors, or attempting to get jobs in fields that have traditionally been dominated by men. No man, she warns, wants a wife who is smarter than him. It would be okay with Andelin to get a job working as a secretary for a man working in certain fields, but she would be expected to quit her job as soon as she was married. And if by some reason a marriage failed, or the husband died, Andelin suggests finding work in a womanly way. Since education, other than domestic arts, isn't recommended by Andelin, it is assumed that women in this situation will end up becoming cleaning ladies or day care providers. She certainly wouldn't believe in having a career/degree to fall back on.

One of the absolute worst suggestions she gives is on how to act when you are angry. She actually suggests that women act like little girls, pouting, stomping, and threatening to tell his mother. If I tried that on my husband, he'd either bust up laughing or get even madder. She also suggests women dress like little girls, using hair bows, ribbons, and lace.

Andelin repeatedly refers to Dora from "David Copperfield" as the ideal fascinating girl. If you can get past that Dora is a fictional character, and the fact that she has no skills, other than playing with her doggie and looking pretty, I still don't see how Dora could possibly be a role model for anyone. She's no Elizabeth Bennet, that's for sure.

If a woman wants to be a doormat to a man, have him make all the decisions, disregard her feelings and become a second class citizen, then by all means she should follow the advice in this book. If, however, she wants to be an equal partner with her husband, sharing decisions, finances, chores, child care, and respect, then she should do the opposite of what the book says.

How to Catch a Man

Having recently perused the truly awful man-catching book "Fascinating Girl" by Helen Andelin, I decided that I could come up with some better suggestions than acting like an incompetent imbecile and helping to set back women's lib 200 years of so. I actually ran my suggestions by an actual man (man, not Neanderthal or male chauvinist, which is who you would attract if you follow Andelin's advice).

Men like real food. They don't like inventive or frou frou food. Basically, if it has Craisins or sliced almonds in it, don't serve it to a potential mate.

If you can make buffalo wings, queso dip, and have a big flatscreen tv, you stand a good chance to peak a mans interest, or at least an interest in watching movies or sports at your house, where you can impress him with your buffalo wings. And if you serve him pie, he will be yours forever.

Do not talk baby talk. Men really hate that. Or use stupid pet names in public, or on Facebook. For example, if a girlfriend calls her man Pooky on Facebook, all his friends and family are going to start calling him Pooky, and he's probably going to dump her.

Do not pretend that you like to fish if you really hate it. He's going to be very upset if he marries you under the pretense that he has found someone to fish with. It's better to go into a relationship as yourself, not a fake projection of who you think he is looking for.

Be willing to compromise. For example, for every chick flick you pick he gets to pick an action movie.

Remember that you are seeking a partner, not a daddy or a son.

Do not think that you can change him. You can probably change his wardrobe quite a bit, and possibly even his hairstyle, but the core of who he is will stay. If you don't like him now, don't think you're going to like him anymore in 10 years.

Friends come and go, but family is forever. If you really can't stand his family, think long and hard before you commit to a lifetime of Thanksgiving dinners with people you loathe, or who loathe you.

See how his father treats his mother. It's usually a good indication of how he'll treat you. When my mom saw that my dad's father treated his wife like a queen, she said "that's for me." And that's pretty much how my dad treated her.

Remember that Mr. Darcy is a fictional character and you are not going to find Mr. Darcy no matter how hard you look.

Do not force a man to watch Twilight, or any other crazy female craze.

If you are dating a sports nut, recognize the fact that most weekends he will be watching sports and you will be left to scrapbook or read romance novels alone.

Learn to live within your means. Coming into a relationship with a large debt load, particularly if you maxed your Visa out buying Jimmy Choos, could be off putting. Unless you are marrying a sugar daddy, it would be helpful to know how to live on a budget. Even those who earn large incomes usually have massive student loans to pay off.

Don't make a huge fuss over anniversaries, and be prepared to be disappointed when he doesn't do something elaborate for Valentine's day. If he gets you flowers or chocolate, count yourself lucky.

Do not expect a man to guess what you want for your birthday. Just send him an email.

Don't say stupid things like "this is our two and a half week anniversary. "Guys hate that.

Don't always expect the man to pay for everything.

Try not to make a big deal if he leaves the seat up. And if you fall in the bowl, it's really your own fault for not checking to see that the seat was down.

Let him open the door for you, and don't make a fuss if you have to open your own doors.

Say What?

I have recently had occasion to do some research on the First Amendment. Specifically, does it apply to children or teenagers? Does the Constitution only kick in when you are an adult, or does it take effect from the minute you become a citizen? Are children considered citizens the minute they are born? Yes. Does the Constitution apply to children? That appears to be up for debate.

I started thinking about this when I was recently told that some parents had banned their daughter from writing in her journal after reading something that they didn't like. Personally I have issues with the fact that they read their daughter's journal. Your journal is a place for your personal, innermost thoughts and feelings. What you write in it is nobody's business. And a lot of times you process through anger and hurt feelings by writing it down, and you move past it.

What is worse though, is the fact that the parents said not to write in it anymore. I really don't feel that anyone should be telling anyone else how to feel, and I certainly do not believe that anyone has the right to tell anyone else that they can't write what they want. Haven't wars been fought over this? To me, that is a First Amendment issue.

One of the best things about living in the United States is that we have freedom of speech. If you think the current president is an idiot, you can say so without being worried you're going to be thrown in jail. At this point in the history of our nation, freedom of speech is often taken for granted because it's something that we have always had.

But does the First Amendment, or any of them for that matter, apply to children? There are several court cases that dealing with this topic, including a current case regarding the Fourth Amendment working its way through the Supreme Court. Should children be allowed to say what they want? Do they have freedom of religious expression? I agree that there are things that are inappropriate to be said or done in certain situations. I certainly don't think that it would be okay for a third grader to spray foul words on the side of the school building. I don't think people should stand up in church and yell profanities, even if legally they are allowed to. It's not appropriate.

But I personally don't believe that children are exempt from the First Amendment. I do not think that this set of parents was within their rights to tell their daughter to cease and desist writing in her own personal journal. We do not have laws in this country banning personal writing, regardless of age. Whether the child could take the parents to court over the matter is something I haven't been able to ascertain.

Overall, I couldn't really locate much information on any rights that children technically have. I assume they have a right to public education, and to necessary healthcare. According to Wikipedia, most scholars agree that to be healthy and free children need the right to freedom of speech, freedom of thought, freedom from fear, freedom of choice and the right to make decisions, and ownership of one's body. I am not saying that parents should not be allowed to make decisions for their children. Overall children would do a poor job of raising themselves if they were allowed to run free. But I do believe there are certain, inalienable rights that no one, including ones parents, have the ability to take away. No one should tell anyone else how to feel, how to think, or what to write in their personal journal.